we cannot change the cards we are dealt,
just how we play the hand.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
10:10 PM
Swiss
a dear friend is flying off today. i wouldn't say dear because someone dear wouldn't suck, nor would i say friend because we had never exactly connected on a very emotionally intellectual level, but dear friend somehow he is.
you deserve the guilt old pal, but don't let it get you down. guilt is a tricky emotion which draws both ways, it might carve out a self prophesised future which speaks only of an impending failure yet it might compel you to work like that butt of an ass, quite apt since you were accustomed to your butt being spanked at since the days of sexy khaki pants.
so slog away dear friend, perhaps i could have you conjure up some dish at my wedding in the very-quite-distant future, and spare no thought of escaping because you will be stripped when you return, say 25 30 40 or even 50 bloody years of pakishnism when your balls have finally learnt to droop.
a million hoops away, pak sucks. take care at the alps.
the voices in my head-
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
3:09 AM
To Lai
i will say this simply because you are a simple girl
step. since you always leave me with tears in your eyes and i send you off each time with a laden heart, whats the point.
must it take a lie for you to finally let go?
the voices in my head-
Monday, August 28, 2006
11:08 PM
Almost Contrary
i shy away from the familiar and plunge myself amidst happy strangers. occasionally a glimpse of the past flickers by but it is slowly beginning to hurt less, may i congratulate myself in even trying to recollect the series of 8 numbers once smiling atop my address book
i can get over this. i must pull myself through. i will pick myself up.
a little w amidst two is and two ls. how apt.
the voices in my head-
Friday, August 25, 2006
1:43 AM
My Dearest Boy
don't you understand?
all these times i try to pen my thoughts, but each time someone gets hurt no matter how subtly brutal i put it.
i read the scribbled foolscap and the words amidst the backdrop of Daniel Powter and i pick my phone, but i stopped myself. i really should stop explaining myself in such troubled times, did you really feel i had liked to embark on D?
sometimes love isn't as simple. sometimes love just ain't enough.
so i love you and you love me and despite all differences we should get together? why then did we fear for the future?
so i love you and you love me and against all odds we should get together? why then did we fear for the present?
bullshit ain't it. if you think such confessions warrant a celebration may i hand you the balloons while i disappear into the whirlwind of activities that loom overhead.
forgive me for i stumble into my explanations again, but
why don't anyone ever just understand?
the voices in my head-
Thursday, August 24, 2006
12:31 AM
Seeds
i had lunch with a few special friends this afternoon. and by special, i mean friends who might have owed me $47.60, or might have declined to skip with me at chinese adventure camp, or might have danced with me a tad tipsy half a year before getting aquainted, yet all who share little secrets of a little episode which is coming to an end.
i know not what to do, as i know not what i want, but at least now i know the root of it, albeit a certain regret that it should come to me so late, the simple mechanics of elimination once introduced when i was still counting fingers in preschool. if it can't be A, and it can't be B, and C would not suffice as i just ain't muslim, then D would have to be it. like it or not.
and with this new light at the end of the cranwell trail, i am resolved to walk it alone. no small palms within mine. no frog songs echoed loud.
i will pick up the pieces, put them in a bottle, and place it beyond the highest shelf. perhaps the day will come when i can retrieve it and look upon it fondly with mirth in my heart, or perhaps not.
so why wait for the uncertain?
thank you for being quite so frank my special friends. there are many strange things that have come my way these days. truths that are lies, kindness that is mean, love that is uncertain, hearts that ain't trustworthy. pray tell, ain't truth as plain jane simple as just that? hasn't kindness always inspired karma? isn't love the most defined innate emotion? and what else is there left to put our faith into if we would not even trust our own hearts?
i reckon as time etches our fragile past, the only sure fact that remains would be the dappled seeds in our bowels after a good iced plate of dragonfruit.
the voices in my head-
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
10:42 PM
Sprained
i lost basketball IBG today. it felt exactly like how i had lost FOS a couple of years back, a little crowd cheering us on yet we let the game slip from our hands when we could have easily grasped it like two fingertips around a dickhead.
and i am quite pissed off, because it was a game which we could have won albeit many dirty elbows to my opponents. but not that so actually, more credit to who the fuck do you think you are to tell me what to do in my game, dude.
thank your little stars i had not read my phone before we had our hands clasped over shoulders, or no grace would i have let on. senior or otherwise.
so adds on to the things that piss me off these days. telling me what to do, especially when i'm good at it, especially when i'm better at it.
i apologise. i usually ain't like that. gently quoting sharon stone, i've been mindfucked once too many.
the voices in my head-
Monday, August 21, 2006
12:45 PM
The Ladies by the Fire
and
The Gentleman by the Step
these days even the simplest maths confound me. and pray tell, which might seem a tad painfully longer, three years or three weeks?
the voices in my head-
Sunday, August 20, 2006
2:05 AM
Jam & Hop
it probably was a great learning experience that i hadn't been cut out to be a salesman, so why pursue the path of a financial advisor. i sold three tickets, three billions of blue blistering barnacles blooming tickets.
but when the night has come, it really. must have been the alcohol.
thanks for the faith, the bowl of gentleman beneath the punctual rain.
the voices in my head-
Saturday, August 19, 2006
1:14 AM
Curtsies
forgive me jme, i rarely believed it when my friends tell me words are twisted and stories are churned, i always blamed it on the unique characteristic trait of a bubbly princess that blows things out of proportions unintentionally. it sparked a depth of disgust to have learnt otherwise when such an honour was finally bestowed upon myself, and i hold no longer my reins. why should i, actually.
but yes of course, that was grotesque. it slipped my mind that this was for all to read, even lolitalollerskates, so i shall revert to a more mystic language twining anagrams and codes and stories of the old grandma to promote aberrancy, and as very aptly answered Mehrr a week before, anomalism begets obscureness, something most treasured in a very public space of thought. but yes one could say its a personal language to those whom are concerned with the posts and more so appropriately now, those intelligent enough to decipher it.
thank you jme, for reminding me to remain the waikit i was now so slowly fading away.
the voices in my head-
Friday, August 18, 2006
1:28 AM
Addendum
you are no longer mine and someone speaks quite aptly. there is no need to stand up for you any more my dear.
till someone came and took it all away.
allow me a tragic laugh and a squirm of disgust.
you begged me to come. pun evidently ordained.
i can be nasty, don't test me.
the voices in my head-
Thursday, August 17, 2006
3:26 PM
Butter Factory
let me tell you the story of the pinky and the brain.
pinky and brain were two little mice. great friends, inseparable, many even labelled them lovers. at the start, friends as friends might be, they cared only about the tangible and the coeval. they cared about how they were going to take over the world that night. they cared about how to cook cheese with tom and jerry. but a year passed and their inseparability dwindled to a commitment and an obligation and what hung them on were the sweet sweet memories of how pinky once hooked its pinky with brain's tail off the leaning tower of pisa. but alas, its been too long a time, much much too long, and brain speaks of the future with little pinky, on the days to come of cheese and butter, of mice traps and rat poison, and they shudder. much too evidently this pinky brain saga had dragged on too brutally long for anyone's good, and simply, its time to let go.
and wouldn't it have been perfect to take that step back, pinky and brain, to realign their lives to a new focal point, before synchronising the frequencies of a common lifestyle, and then getting back together?
oh no says pinky. so it fucking scuttles to the top of the petronas towers and attempts to fucking jump, squeaks to tom and jerry on fucking great sex under the sink once upon a time, squeals to the kitchen birds that brain still loves it and wants it to wait when brain fucking didn't so, screeches to the fucking flooring termites on empty promises and lost words, fucks the neighbouring mice and fucking friends and fucking friends of friends and fucking friends of friends of friends, fucks around with cigarettes and alcohol, and fucking throws an occasional blowjob guised beneath intoxication.
how could you destroy everything we once shared?
leave me alone.
the voices in my head-
Monday, August 14, 2006
11:45 PM
Traffic Lights
i told a lie that was a truth today.
the voices in my head-
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
11:24 PM
NDP06
there was a little something flashed across the parade that just couldn't quite get out of me.
fire and smoke and running through them, that is the life of a fireman. i wish to be a fireman. aged 6 wasn't he.
i want to be like the teacher at my school, to educate the young of tomorrow. aged 9 if my memory hadn't fail me.
and so on and forth.
don't you see, only the young have dreams. what left we in a mad rush in adulthood is a financial rat race and more complicated words to juggle like mortage loans and insurance lapses.
sprawled across the sky beautiful fireworks, and across her face a smile more perfectly beautiful than anything i've ever seen before.
they were priceless chermain, thank you.
the voices in my head-
Saturday, August 05, 2006
4:51 PM
Auspicium Melioris Aevi
today i played most horrible basketball and for the very first time in my life, i lay utterly defeated at the end of it all.
yet it is in such definitive moments that my teammates still hurled me back on my feet, gave me that slap on the hand and a pat on the back, a look from within their eyes that whispered you did great waikit, that i could feel a little more for the 7 men half-fucked team at gryphon's cup than the 15 strong all-stars team at hong kah north.
---
a cheeky smile and a shy grin is all i need these days.
the voices in my head-
Friday, August 04, 2006
11:39 PM
Half of Darwin in Three Quarts of June
i have evolved into a highly antisocial creature with pragmatism as my antecedence in all manners and practicality as the prerogative of my life.
scary, don't you think. yes, everything will be fine.
in less important news, the bidding process at NUS is strangely captivating but downright irritating. it somehow reminds me of the Altar of Gods function in archmage and tickles down my spine a certain familiarity at the seventh month auctions.
and stop asking, because questions propagate answers. and answers engender an element of the truth. and the truth begets pain of certainty on a little extinguished flame. to quote the voices in his head, i can’t even find it in myself to take the next step anymore, knowing that it won’t matter anymore than the last one.
alas, there is a vague beauty in all that i see these days.
the voices in my head-
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
1:04 AM
Goodbye Kiss
give her a break won't you?
there is a certain regret that i have to say i do love you but i cannot.
and a greater regret at my refusal to explain why. because to see a simple girl who believes that love can overcome all odds is most beautiful. and i, least of all people, shall corrupt you with the mature thoughts in my head which are all-so-grown-up and worldly-wise-oh-sophistication.
who now, still believes in that fairytale? who now, can stand firm on her two small feet and shout out to the world i love my boy and nothing else matters? who now, can run to my face with a british india shirt clasped in her hands and two dollars and sixty cents in her bank account?
but you have tainted it. you alone have wrecked the lingering hope that one day as you grow out of your mind and i grow out of my heart, we could still be together. you alone have climbed atop me and destroyed the last shred of conscience still in my foolish heart. you alone have taught me to love, and desparately unlove.
blame not your friends, my friends, our friends any longer. all mistakes needn't have faults. all faults needn't have blames. who says love is tame?
you chose to be with me, and i chose to be with you. i shall pray two foolish choices make a right.
and now you chose to part with me, and for a week or two i sat on attics with chocolate bread and pink dolphin, for a month or so i jogged amidst the wet wet dew of morn. i shall no longer tear myself apart, for there are so many more beautiful things in life.
you have taught me much, yet i had taught you naught. but amidst all the things i had made you hook my pinky and promised upon a naughty fuck, for you to drink a cup of water in the morning, for you to brush your teeth at night, for you to resist plucking your pretty brows, for you to resist drowning bread in soup, for you to make your bed in the morning, for you to pack your wardrobe each week, for you to rid the mucus coagulated tissue, for you to switch off the tap when you brush and scrub, i wish for you to keep just one. to love yourself more than anyone else.
and some things won't matter, now will it
yet i will miss the way you twirl and sit
i will miss the way you hop and skip
i will miss the way your burpies make me flip
i will miss the way you hurl bread into soup
and how you love plucking your brows when i'm busy at my food
i will miss the way you hate to brush your teeth
and how your mango scent off your neck so gently mists
and i thought, a little girl who had nurtured a love quite from out of nothing is remarkable, so why should i give up such a wonder. much more so when she was quite happily at her world.
but you are right, just as unnamed cheques could be slotted into quick deposit boxes, i should have loved the one who had loved me all along. but i was scared, wouldn't you be.
love away, my love. the day you find your boy who would share your fairytale love, i shall truly rejoice. because there are few left in this world with such audacity to do so.
with all that i am left, goodbye.
the voices in my head-
i love my girl. a love so beautiful, symmetrical, tangible
God loves me. a love so great, unconditional, real.
my life in a nutshell. working towards loves of sorts. beautiful, symmetrical, tangible, great, unconditional and real.
a page, deliberately left blank.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
I Corinthians 13:4-8
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