we cannot change the cards we are dealt,
just how we play the hand.
Saturday, May 31, 2003
8:49 PM
Emptiness
the barbeque was perfect yesterday. the girls came over to marinate, cook before going over to the pits in the early evening. the guys were punctual for once, and the sky was dotted with crimson clouds and hung upon it was the most beautiful sunset i'd ever seen. just as though the sun were about to die, its last rays stretched over the sphere of the earth, before disappearing into nothingness.
the fire was set with ease, and amidst the frantic hustle of things, the purpose of the barbeque was shelved beneath the charcoal planks. it was only after all that ended, when fulun, mond, huanghui and i dragged ourselves up the dreary slope that it hit upon us that there ain't gonna be any more training sessions for us anymore. neither would there be anything to look forward to during the lessons. and its right about time we start studying too. perhaps we were afraid the bonds we had slowly but steadily built up over each training would crumble just like a cookie, or perhaps we had lost the only thing we loved as one, or perhaps it was the apprehension of what to come, but neither of us yesterday could explain the sense of emptiness that dwells deep within us and our missing sense of purpose.
and then someone said it, "it seems that the championship didn't mean much after all".
or rather, i realised, it seemed that it wasn't the championship that meant so much after all.
the voices in my head-
Thursday, May 29, 2003
9:45 AM
The Match
the whistle was blown, i saw xuan qu and jianming soar into the air, and the ball zoomed in my direction in no time. whilst jianming and i just couldn't run the set plays for nuts, i still remember myself lost in yet another dimension, confused between who to mark. jianming was telling me to man mark quan xu but he pulled all the way to the three point line, yet jingfeng was telling me to stand between the high pole and quan xu, yet on another note, coach told me to watch the high pole and let forwards take on quan xu if he were outside my area. in layman's terms, i played like some nimkamput during the entire 1st quarter.
and the result, SAJC doubling our score line by almost 15 points. i remember myself clapsing my hands so tightly, praying to God that we wouldn't lose or i would never forgive myself. it ain't about the win, or the loss. its about dragging 11 other souls with you when you screwed up so badly your insides deserved to be on the outside.
and i had no idea why coach decided to let me continue on the 2nd quarter. i was playing so horrendously the 1st quarter, but his trust in me killed my creeping curiosity and hurled me back into the game. this time, i was slightly more focused, and i managed 3 rebounds before getting subbed out. the score still could not pull back, and my heart wringed as seconds ticked down into the end of the 1st half.
i must admit that at a point in this quarter, a fleeting thought told me to accept that we were going to lose, going to settle for second, when yet another thought prodded me. if we had gotten the silver, we would have let down our j1 s6 supporters, and more importantly, all those who took ocps, skipped lessons and dashed helter skelther to Toa Payoh. and if i had gotten the silver, i would have let down my teachers, Mr Tang who gave me so much slack when it came about tutorials, Mrs Tam who ponned her lesson to come for the match, the most enthusiastic MNC and of course dear cher who came down in white and green amidst the sea of khaki. and with that, i told myself that if i were going to get into the game again, the tables would turn.
the half time came, the half time went. i was somewhat touched by what coach told us at that time. We were gonna win. We were gonna win if we played normally. and indeed, we'd played like some clowns in the previous quarter, pretty much nimkamputtish, and with a final "Hwachong oosh" with the principal, i started the 3rd quarter with jianming, mond, yuhao and huanghui. we played some decent balls finally, and it was great when i sprung up a screen for mond to execute his first three point. the crowd was unforgettably loud by that point in time, and adrenaline was coursing through our veins at such a velocity i'd never experienced before. rebounds were getting more frequent as SAJC tires... apparently, they only have a great starting lineup whilst their bench sucks like a vacuum cleaner. and then came that unnecessary punch to my stomach from [insult-vulgarity] quan xu when we were fighting for a blockout at a rebound. i sprawled upon the ground, and that [insert-worse-vulgarity] referee blatently ignored me and let the game continue. and we lost 2 more points to that. i was subbed out shortly after by joshua, who i must say, is totally lovable. he managed rebounds, post-ups, assists, and an attempted fast break. the game reversed, the tables turned, and we were gaining on SAJC. the margin drew to 6, and the crowd rang in my ears.
and then came the unforgettable 4th quarter. mond started the ball rolling with yet another three pointer, with jingfeng hot on the hoops, and even joshua going in for the kill. we lead by one, they lead by one, we lead by one, they lead by one, such necktoneck competition stiffened the bench and we tried to finish them off with our big set of 1-2-2. then quan xu, that [insert-vulgarity] idiot got fouled out. oh wait, before i continue, this is something i am very proud of. i ain't the first person to get foulled out this time, in fact, i only got 2 fouls, so there.
the seconds trickled down to the last minute when we were leading by 7, some 165 cm bastard shot a three point, and goodness knows which divine religion aided him, it went in and cut our lead to 4. nonetheless, we managed another shot before the final whistle rang like a shrill into the night, and we ejaculated out of the bench upon the court, and hugged each other like tomorrow would never come. each of us teared beneath the glory showered upon us, while chermain and joanna kept teasing me about it. i'd never experienced such elatic emotions in my life, not even when my level 6 tauren chieftain managed to vapourise two level 8 heroes.
and so it ends. the season, the game, the team. but the spirit would live on, the hours we had spent together drilling our set plays, the astronomical number of pushups, the team-bonding sessions at magehaven, all of which would be imbued deep in my heart, fleeting occasionally across my mind. i know some of you 11 guys out there who would read this, and would like to take this opportunity to say, its been a privillege playing on court with you.
Thank you.
the voices in my head-
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
6:04 AM
The Beginning Of The End
And the basketball guru Michael Jordan claimed "I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot...And I missed. And I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is precisely...why I succeed."
But we haven't lost a match, winning vjc, acjc, mjc, JI, pjc, rjc, ajc, and even the hot favourites jjc by a 17 point margin. i see no reason why we can't win tomorrow. defending champions indeed, sajc has a desire to retain the reputation, but the harder the conflict, the more glorious will be the triumph.
And it boils down to just this. to just one match. one shot. one opportunity.
Each minute creeps by stealthily, and i try to shake off the fatigue by hibernating beneath my blanket, but each time i awake, i could taste the excitement and anxiety all mingled in one flavour.
Such tension i've never experienced in my life. Such attention showered upon us, it just spurs us into greater heights. Yet, we know that at greater heights, the fall upon failure would be unbearingly pain, and hence by logical induction, we must not fail.
Even if it means shitting our intestines on courts tomorrow, we will win.
the voices in my head-
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
8:30 AM
The Old Man
It was the last training for the twelve of us this evening. I looked back, with a slight tinge of regret, that i hadn't noticed this sport 5 years back, that i hadn't stumbled upon this cca one year ago, and that i hadn't known these wonderful guys a second more.
A simple calculation, and we'd realised upon much shock that we had suffered 12000 pushups, situps and supermans as one. Yet tonight, we topped it up with an additional 30 to each item, and our hearts glowed with pride when our backs arch against huanghui's call. This time, none of us ate snakes, none of us held gold bars in our mouths, and i was most taken aback when i noticed that even jingfeng bothered to mouth out each number.
But what struck me most was the old man, our faithful coach who (by the way, still calls me oei.). As we stuck out our hands beneath the crimson evening for a final "hwachong oosh" on our home ground, he told us so matter-of-factly that we were going to Toa Payoh on thursday for the championship. And with a loud thud upon his chest with his right fist, he said it plainly, we are the best.
All these times, he stood by us, yelling not once at those missed shots, reprimanding only rarely. When the school had no money to book the courts for NIE, he was willing to foot the bill. When we were losing, he motivated us. When we were winning, he kept it coming. And when we barraged our way through jjc yesterday, he teared.
I'd never made an old man cry before. I'd love to do it again. We ain't gonna let him down, and we are going to be the champions!
the voices in my head-
Thursday, May 22, 2003
7:28 AM
Dimensions
i think something has gone wrong, terribly wrong. these days, i feel as though something keeps prodding the back of my head. sometimes, something would somehow strike my head real hard, and i would plunge into another dimension, a world of my own with an omnipresent density. the air would be so heavy i can hardly walk, it would somewhat be likened to swimming in a weird form.
and then i would suddenly walk into somebody, most of the times short, and hastily apologise, my eyes blankly looking through them, no. not their clothes. and i'd continue walking, as if nothing had happened, all the while swimming through my fourth dimension, all the time the sound of silent swishes through the hoop zonking through me.
it doesn't matter which lesson i attend these days, each second seem to fleet by as i await the four pm training. as i sped the 4 x 100m relay, i motioned myself for a fast break against AJC's match. and when i saw the guy on lane 7 gloriously scraping his face against the track, i could have fallen upon my knees and thanked God it wasn't me. and even when i was playing warcraft today with jingfeng, how i wished our team could work so splendidly as one, when playing on court.
and lastly, no one seems to exist around me. preoccupied in my own realm, i'm a king of a no man's land. it didn't matter who sat beside me during lectures, it didn't matter too who sat beside me during lessons, my thoughts were my best friend, and they were plainly about my first and last, and only and current season. i dread its end, though i could already see the wisps of finale looming overhead. and yet, i know that only its end would rocket me out of my murky state, and hurl me back into reality.
and no, i'm not in love.
the voices in my head-
Saturday, May 17, 2003
8:26 AM
Destiny
after the basketballers typhooned out of my house, my entire body gave way. before i could even switch on the aircon, my eyelids plummeted to my chin and i fell into a fidgety dream.
somehow, i was plunged into a spherical room full of white tiles, plasma televisions hovering above me, a scene with uncanny resemblance to both cebarus of Xmen and the source in Matrix. there was this man seated backfaced against me, with a belly spilling out of his tight pants (don't ask me how i saw his belly, dreams are supposed to be unexplainable). as i walked towards him, he turned slowly, and i noticed he had a big orcish face, and i was half expecting him to mutter "work work".
all of a sudden, he roared, "Why are you here?"
and i shrugged. and somehow something somewhat came between then, but i only remember myself screaming desparately, "Because i'm meant to be here. Because it is my destiny."
and then he roared in a voice which rocked the cebarus, and i distinctly remember many white tiles falling off the room and the plasma televisions fading into a swirl of mist. "Precisely, my boy. You are here because it is your destiny. You are here because you are meant to be. You are here for a purpose, and for that purpose only. Do not stray."
i stared. blankly.
and he repeated, "Remember, do not stray from your purpose."
As his orcish mouth closed upon the last syllabus of his statement, he spiralled upwards, slowly yet steadily. i dashed towards him, mouth clenched upon teeth, perspiration tumbling down my sideburns. and then i felt myself soar through emptiness, before my fingers grasped upon his leg.
And upon that, he burst into an effervescent laughter, and pat me upon my back. "Now thats a great rebounding leap!"
i stared. blankly.
and he repeated amidst his beaming beard, "Remember your purpose."
With that, i awoke with a start, sweat truly trickling down my sideburns. i hastily swiped the beads of perspiration off my forehead, and as i did, i realised the orcish stranger spat and stammered, just as my captain would.
the voices in my head-
Thursday, May 15, 2003
8:06 AM
Vesak
it is said that we learn a new thing everyday.
today, i learnt that vesak day is one for all buddhists out there, contradictory to my previous thinking that it was a day for mecca-heading muslims.
the voices in my head-
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
6:02 AM
Violent swings and masturbation
we have been suffering from the weirdest unexplainable mood swings these days. after beating acjc 30 points down, we crawled out of the court feeling crummy all over. yet upon emerging victor amidst a neck to neck battle with vj, our dear doggish captain went off his rocket and smiles were beaming all over. today though, it seemed the downest of downs has passed and we were all chirpy and content with our 90-26 score line.
nevertheless, i played like some nitwit on court today. snatching a decent number of rebounds, i'd only put in one basket and missed both of free throws. but strangely, i didn't seem to mind though jingfeng might beg to differ, but i guess the constitution gives mankind the rights of their opinion.
on another note, today marks a very important day. it's my first time upon my 17 years 11 months of golden ages that i heard a girl muttered the word "masturbation". i don't know if girls cuddled up in a corner would mutter such divine words to one another, far from the prying ears of guys, but such audacity struck me like a thunderbolt, rooted me upon the spot, and left me utterly dumbfounded.
and of course, i made her say it thrice. hehe.
the voices in my head-
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
7:52 AM
Mini meanie me
i must admit i'd been a shrunken porn star who loves to mount dildos. There had been so many a time i was on a meanie streak and screamed at people, and of course, i would scream at myself thereafter. And also, the many times i had succumbed to antisocialism and shunned anything and everything. I'm sorry if i'd seen you around and ignored the endangered gleeful waves of hi, only to kick myself in the butt later.
the voices in my head-
Monday, May 12, 2003
7:39 AM
To my dear friends:
and by friends, i don't mean just you. i mean you, and him, and him, and him. please don't take this brunt upon yourself. it doesn't thunderbolt upon you solely. though i feel the more you think you fit right into my dear friend, the more you ain't him.
and by this, it shall be my only injection of sacarsm in this post.
and back to what i was saying, to my dear friends:
What have i done to you?
What have you done to me?
my dear friend,
if i did recall correctly, just 9 months back, although it seemed a forgotten age back, when i was perhaps still a bastard to you, you told me that it would take a while to forgive, but a long while for you to forget.
but today, my dear friends.
i tell you. i forgave you the instant you quoted, jeered, mocked, my words. but it would take an eternity for me to forget.
my dear friends,
i remembered you said i was hypocritical in my blog. alas, you know me not. i never lie in my blog, and if words contradict my acts, it were my acts that were hypocritical. Years back, in the depths of my memories, this blog was shared amongst 5. 5 blogs to bridge 5 souls drifted by the tides of time and distance, pray tell, why do 6000 people view this blog now? i do not know, i do not care, and my dear friends, it ain't my fault.
my dear friends,
i love you. i love the things we do together. for it is such recreation and passion that fuels my life. take that away from me, and you would see me crumble before you. perhaps you had hated me from the start, and perhaps i had been too happy and naive to sieve friends from foes. if so, i do deserve to falter after all. then kill me, you surely will know how.
my dear friends,
remember what i said on saturday? i still mean it, and it came from the abyss of my heart. but i take them back. we can't go for the playing style everyone loves, we have to win, and to win, the three pillars of our team has to perform. and i ain't one of thy pillar.
alas its too late. lets not play for happiness, remember the time i told you that its all winning that matters? it wouldn't matter if we lousy centres didn't get a single ball, but we won the match after all. i guess its just us who'd have to adapt to this style of playing. after all, we do want to cheng ba quan guo, don't we?
the childishness of my thought tickled me somehow, and i apologise for thy foolish words. i will be playing for what i am good at, and leave the rest of the game to the rest of the team.
my dear friends,
i. you. him. we all know we're falling apart. and dear friend, if you're reading this, you are responsible for it. and perhaps we're responsible for you being responsible for it. but pray tell, why? silence and stares give no answers, and after all, we ain't S paper takers who can fanthom the mind of the best player.
i have had my talk, been jeered. been quoted. been mocked. its your turn, perhaps tomorrow, perhaps one day. but my dear friend, i promise i would listen then.
the voices in my head-
Sunday, May 11, 2003
7:16 AM
The best is yet to be
we won yesterday, virtually trashed acjc upside down inside out outside in downside up. yet we left the court with hearts so heavy it could shlep titanic into the deep blue atlantic.
perhaps it is the realisation that hits us, in easy games like these, each individual on court is hurled into a pragmatic world. since the winning team is so clearly defined, one shall strive to be the winner of winners. All for one, one for one, who scores most wins.
which plainly sucks.
the voices in my head-
Friday, May 09, 2003
8:58 AM
Nothingness
i strided into GP today, panting yet yearning. Gazing left upon an unsettled heart, i saw a possible love lost in, nothingness.
i stepped into the audi today, butt diffused into seat. Poetic tongues unleashed at lefts and rights, them busy, copying, learning, nothingness.
i sat in the classroom today, active, proactive. poking, poked. Hands twined pencils, scribbling, sketching. Mind twined elsewhere, in playful nothingness.
i skidded to a halt, before magehaven. Concentration apeaked, passion blossomed, spirits high, my fingers clicking, guiding before me, virtual nothingness.
why need i study, why immerse myself in politics with chengping, why listen to lilijune ramble with julia and sok, why attempt math lessons with sipei?
to work, to get a degree, as my knowledgeable parents would know. and why need i work, why immerse myself in an unknown occupation, why get shittified by the great bosses hovering above my head, why get mingled with office politics?
to retire.
it seemed to me, that i'm living my present for my future. and it would always be.
so i told myself, each day, i shall have something to look forward to.
this way, a light shall pierce the pitch dark nothingness, and even with the simplest of light rays, shall the nothingness be overcome.
remember, light ain't the fastest, darkness is. if we ain't gonna do anything about the darkness that exists before light, it shall remain dark, as always.
the voices in my head-
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
7:03 AM
Perhaps
have you ever suffered those days when you have absolutely no thoughts at all?
i tried to search my fragile mind for something inspirational, something powerful, something warm and fuzzy, but the deeper i looked, the darkening and deafening emptiness overwhelms me. i know not why i feel as though i'm marching towards a great peril. as i recollect my past, i even realised that my present has been all that i ever wanted, back in the era of the 7 bronze buttons.
and then i gazed out at my future, and realised that all i ever wanted would stumble into nothingness when this month draws to an end. pillars would falter, and memories would be engraved but never again surface to reality. cross country, talentime, relationships, sports, friends, all of these supressed upon the omnipotent thumb of studies.
this month shall come and pass, quickly enough. clouds would then descend, and everything else would fade in comparison. i would walk blindly, pondering in the blinding white, and find myself in the lonely mountains of swiss alps. it would be freezing, i would hibernate, and meditate upon the sacred books of knowledge. and then i would wish i had not let it go.
and perhaps then. someone would discover my footfall amidst the stinging blizzard, and cuddle me up.
the voices in my head-
Sunday, May 04, 2003
7:12 AM
The Tale of Two Pigs
Once upon a time, there lived two intelligent pigs in a rustic farm of northern England. One was called Dickhead, chiefly because his nose resembled one, whilst he often lived up to his name. He had slitty eyes, and a collosal pink mass of fats, accumulated over years of consuming the finest wheats of England, for he was a prize boar, despite his dickheadity.
The other was called DickywinkyPink, because she was so pink, that when placed upon comparison with pink lips, the lips faded into bleak nothingness. Her surname, Dickywinky, was named after her great grand father, Dickywanky. Pigs tend to live up to their surnames, and Dickywanky was a famous pig who lived and is still living to a ripe old age of great happiness, but much of him does not come into this tale. We shall speak of Dickywinky, who thrived in present times.
The two highly intellectual pigs dwelled day after day in the abject sty, when one day, Dickhead realised that his hormones were raging, and Allah be praised, on the same crucial day, Dickywinky fell face flat into a pile of shit which exalted her beauty. Due to the strict muslim regulations (their farm owners were muslim too, now you know why these pigs survive for such a long time), pre-marital sex wasn't encouraged. Dickhead then raised his trotters and brushed his eyes, a sign of profound thought. And after eons of serious consideration, he proposed to Dickywinky.
The proposal sparked an upheaval upon the farm. Mooing cows, sitting ducks, flying geese, shitting bulls, each and every animal caught upon the news like a raging bushfire. The day was to come as soon as possible, for Dickhead was terribly horny, and his little winky had been on erect mode for 69 hours already.
The day soon came, and as part of the traditional chinese custom, Dickhead was to knock upon the sty to seek permission to fetch his bride. Dickywinkypink, was shy beyond words, but she'd playfully refused the door to be open. Dickhead, a little irritated by now, raised his voice into a shrill screech, and Dickywinkypink felt tickled by his frustration. She teased Dickhead even more, and stubbornly latched the door.
By now, Dickhead was pretty much pissed. He pounded the sty with his polished trotters, and Dickywinkypink was alarmed at his temper. She was now adament in not letting her groom in until he'd calmed down, for a puerile mentality prodded her on her humongous brain that if she were to open the door now, she'd lose face and the entire farm would get to hear about it. Needless to say, hormonal cells were functioning overtime and perspiration now reeked Dickhead's dicky nose, whilst his trotters were stained with his pre-sex body fluids. There was now no turning back for either party, Dickhead was self-consumed in his rising inferno to give three farts, two burps and a fuck about calming down, whilst Dickywinkypink couldn't bring herself to unlatch the sty.
Upon such naive jejuneness, mingled with the humiliation which would hail whoever who gives in, bent under the eyes of the rest of the farm, why! Dickhead still suffered from the protrusion of a pink rod between his trotters.
the voices in my head-
Saturday, May 03, 2003
7:46 AM
On One and Only and Firsts
i felt as though we'd already clinched the championship.
46-42, a grossly close shave, yet somehow i feel all warm and fuzzy within, knowing that i'd fulfilled whatever purpose i was down on the court for. 7 rebounds in total, 2 on offensive, 2 steals, 7 points, but still nonetheless the one and only and first player to get fouled out. again.
on another note, why does the whole world keep me informed on her whereabouts? she's not my one and only, and neither am i hers. its true, i do like her still. at least i don't hate her. but it ain't any of my business that she appears in my school, and neither is she mine, anymore.
the voices in my head-
Friday, May 02, 2003
7:31 AM
Pie Angle Upon The Clock
Twelves hours to my debut match. Gazillion shots i'd taken, million games i'd played, bkt CC to rJ, titans to sparring with 2bians, i'd never felt such focused concentration upon the game. A shot of adrenaline rushes through my very veins when i picture myself on court, unleashing elbows whilst grabbing the rebounds, burning the rims in parallel to soaring drive ups.
In retrospect, it all boils down to this. And by it, i mean the 500 hours we'd spent on court, with a further 500 hours we'd spent clicking away at coronation in the spirit of team bonding. And by it, i mean the lost time powdering into nothingness, which i could have spent with my friends, my studies, my angel. And by it, i mean the endless wounds i'd attained, 3 sprained ankles, 13 knuckles bent to ridiculous angles, and the wrist that never heals. And by it, i mean yet another unfulfilled dream of my life.
And by this, i mean the first. and the last. and the one. and the only. school basketball season i'd ever have. in my life.
Maybe it would be more comprehendable if it were likened to sex. Imagine. An impotent virgin guy, with the one and only pill of viagra left in the whole blue baboonic world. He would give his best, and perhaps ejaculate litres upon litres over the poor girl.
I would too, ejaculate litres upon litres of my sweat, blood, tears.
And this i promise.
the voices in my head-
i love my girl. a love so beautiful, symmetrical, tangible
God loves me. a love so great, unconditional, real.
my life in a nutshell. working towards loves of sorts. beautiful, symmetrical, tangible, great, unconditional and real.
a page, deliberately left blank.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
I Corinthians 13:4-8
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