we cannot change the cards we are dealt,
just how we play the hand.
Sunday, October 26, 2003
8:17 AM
Hiatus
okay. the time has come. its 2 minutes to midnight, and its 2 minutes to exactly 2 weeks to A levels. so stretches the last lap of the long race, so near i can already see the furious buzzle of activities stretched weeks after weeks beyond 27th of nov.
the change is about to descend upon me again. just like a dejavu raked from my memory when i started embarking on inhuman timetables 2 years back, i shall now be consumed by the little things of everythings i have and need to know.
allow me to deceive myself on a midnight of a sunday.
i shall stop going online, stop playing basketball, stop playing warcraft, stop chatting on the phone, stop swimming, stop blogging, stop going out, stop smsing furiously.
see you guys in 2 weeks.
the voices in my head-
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
8:42 AM
On Farts
i was in the lift at coronation today. with an old fat lady, her white hay bundled up in a fantastic bun which might have beaten simpson's mum were it longer.
of course, i held the lift doors open for her, while she oozed her way in and discovered to my great surprise she was heading for the fourth level, a place nobody actually ever goes. but that isn't the content of this tale, for the surprising matter was the occurance at the second level, when a wisp of an odour took me to high heaven. it was fart, not the noisy boopboopboop sort but the silent killer which could gas 4 elephants in a go. i edged away from the old lady but the stench was just overbearingly overwhelming.
and then it happened. with the quintessential element of a senile milkmaid, she exclaimed. "xiang bang anni chao aye pui" which meant, for those hokkienned-deficient, who bloody planted such a smelly fart. so real was her accusation that i looked around in anticipation, but i hit upon a hard fact that there were only two of us in there.
the voices in my head-
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
6:48 AM
Mr Contradictory
a full march 21-gun salute to chengyi, andrew and mike. i still remember the pre prelim days when andrew would incessantly bug me to the courts at 5pm sharp, while rousing the entire library altogether, hauling ivan kelvin weicheng mingmao and all. i never knew they were so serious in training and winning for FOS, and those casual enquiries chengyi kept badgering about underbasket tricks, and the appropriate way of shooting.. i gave only 2 farts and 3 burps to them, little knowing each advice went down so deeply that led them to the victory of today's match against the staff.
but i was still disgusted at he, who played against david xingru and all. the hypocrisy of a friendly gesture after the defeat after a dayago's worth of taunts, was enough to stir enough emotion in me to lose some nerves. but just as i thought God had toyed my emotions for moments too long, i was wrong.
8 pm, and a very unhappy mr Lee (kai xin) summoned me to his office, and he embraced my palm pulling real close. no i wasn't about to be raped, but i could not forget yet another classic facial expression, a benign smile, and gentle words which struck deep into my heart. "you should have been the referee, that tianyu is too biased. and just because we're going to report his attitude about yesterday. don't you think so?"
a turmoil went through me. "yes i so damn agree" was just about to roll off my tongue when a voice prodded the back of my head. "no he wasn't biased"
"yes he was. and a big idiotic brute too."
"no he wasn't, the staff played dirty and you know it."
indeed, the staff played so dirtily and smelly-ly that they might have been stuffed into a proverbial elephant's asscrack and we wouldn't have noted any difference. zzzzzason chian was zzzzzzzooming here and there, grabbing at one of 60's player, while mr unhappy lee (kai xin) gave chengyi so many elbow-in-the-eye i wondered why he hadn't gotten thrown off the court. and so i knew it, mr lee happy was terribly unhappy and just wanted to fuel a fire to add to the commotion.
so i realised, the fury of an adult surpasses any other child-like idiot's tauntings. a hundredfold more wicked it had seemed, prying a glass rod between two fiery souls, attempting to shatter it, letting it bite into our hearts while laughing from a distance, and that was what the voice at the back of my head ranted. all in an instant.
but mr almighty wasn't so cruel. he spared me from answering, and my heart-to-heart talk with that very unhappy mr lee was interrupted by a phone call from heaven. muttering some excuse, i left his office in a haste, while snapping out my handphone to message xingru. perhaps, just perhaps, i realised that a little sanity still lingers in my veins as i walked out of the gate with jingfeng, all so confused and consumed.
the voices in my head-
Monday, October 20, 2003
7:57 AM
Alas
i admit i've been a naughty little boy today.
in all honesty, i did referee the first half of the match justly, and i was as fair as a skinned peking duck, but the second half proved to be a nightmare as he took on 66 like they killed his parents or something. what more, ah gan is his vicecaptain and teammate, how would they ever be able to play as one after FOS?
and then he unleashed an elbow at jeremy's throat for a postup, while a shrill whistle escaped my lips as i meted out a technical foul against him. thats when all hell broke loose, middle fingers flew erect amidst his palm and his tongue began an incessant wag of profanities. at the ball, at the opponents, at jingfeng, at me. lalala, being the omnipotent referee, i was given the edge so he (took off his shirt and) started playing devilishly rough and strode up to me and presented a challenge.
of course, i would have been pissed if i were in his shoes. our enmity existed the days of chinese high when we were still butt-hugging-khaki-pants kids who gambled at the school's lan shop. and one of my gambling mates had fought him before, yet and again, at the basketball courts, nonetheless being of no concern to holy me.
and who could forget the unfounded propaganda that i had sprained his ankle intentionally to get a place in the basketball team when he had landed on my feet on his own accord? in all biasness, he wouldn't even have gotten a place in the team if his ankle had been hot from high heaven and all.
so he got really pissed. but most unfortunately he didn't leave for the toilet, and he persisted in a violent game which ended in the bruises and scars of poor jeremy, the taunted eyes of ah gan and team, the louting of spectators, and of course, a challenge. a challenge which i could not refuse, as i taunted him further to hit me. for real. it would hurt but as Newton says, action equates reaction, and what more, he would be expelled while i'd ascend into the roll of honours for not retaliating. this i admit, was downright evil and in retrospect, a calamity as i had unearthed a 3-year acrimony which would spread amidst the team for next year.
but how could i have resisted? a full blown challenge in front of a hundred witness by my closet nemesis. in any case, the image of his face contorting into an ugly form was a classic, as mr lee took down his name and all, while huang lao shi was telling me in that politically-correct tone of his that a report will be out and we shouldn't resort to violence. sigh, am i evil or what.
in any case, i went home today in a whirl of emotions. grateful was i for the tide of messages that asked me to cool down, elated about the apparent victory, tired from the hoopla and hoohaa, yet dispirited that i've officially upgraded this stranger to an enemy. may i add in 2 cents worth of apologies to nikki and xiaoyuan for picking a squabble with him instead of the other 291648098 people i could've, and more importantly, xingru who had tried so hard to integrate him into the team yet now faces a more difficult task.
The world needs anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn't angry enough, at least i've done my part for the world.
[addendum]
no i resisted the temptation, time and again, to post his name. for that would only prove to descend to his level, letting fly malicious tales about others.
and don't ask me, for i could speak of a hundred more beautiful things than this.
the voices in my head-
Thursday, October 16, 2003
8:43 AM
Death of the little things
Cry aloud for the guestbook which is by far, deader than a dead duck. Two nights ago, i was aghast to discover that 9 pages of the guestbook had mysteriously been gobbled up by a very hungry man. It seemed to me, that those entries would be lost forever, both in my old and new guestbooks and i couldn't bring myself to churn up another.
In retrospect, the guestbooks have served no specific purpose. yet its only apt that with an end comes a little ceremonial speech which must be given in due respect. thank you to the many little things who have come and gone, left their mark, and made me love them. alvin, who had always been there. my awardee mortal shiping and neighbour huishan, who hovers and flutters around incessantly. bernice, zhiyang, cat, kaori, classmates, exclassmates, philosophers, idiots and all, who had dropped by once in a blue baboon. also, to rachel for who you are and sandra for who you were; last and the least, sean joshua and chiangming, the three jokers with attempts to impersonate identities so pathetic they would beat a limp dickhead. i love you all, thank you.
on a separate note, my rabbit died 3 nights back, i hoped it went to heaven. the rubbish truck came at 8:13.
the voices in my head-
Monday, October 13, 2003
7:37 AM
-ist
okay. let me let you in on this weeny bitty secret. i actually do discriminate against people, not of race though (benjamin niroshan baabaablacksheep bala would concur). standing up for my sex (no pun intended), i feel that guys get a pretty raw deal in the pragmatic world of today.
i had another weird dream yesterday. i dreamt that i was a lawyer, full fledged and high ranking, with that white curly wig and all, and i was supposedly defending a rapist. male rapist, that is. i remember myself declaring that i firmly believed in my client, and he did not rape that victim, and it was the victim who was incredibly horny and decided to force herself onto him. (no of course, i did not picture those juicy vivid details)
then the judge, with her even curlier white wig and all, told me to sit down and shut up, and i could firmly recollect myself rebutting the judge, yelling at her to sit down shut up and shut down, for she was a female as well and shouldn't pass her judgement based on her sexist ideology.
and of course i woke up laughing, but amidst the giggles which i muffled into my pillow, i realised that guys indeed get a worse-off deal. the numerous incidents i witnessed one of my female friends holding another's hands, palms clasped, shoulders swinging, in a half skip half sprint towards coronation's cute chicken. at other times, they would lean on each other in fatigue or exasperation, probably from an unsolvable NJC maths question. what a norm, yet have anyone wondered what dire consequences would befall two male bosom friends should they attempt this incredible feat?
and of course. when a female stares into the eyes of a guy, an invisible thread of understanding and enlightenment is formed, and from the realms of each soul emits hormones which travel along these invisible threads and try to pry into the other's eyes. sparks of chemistry fly and a possible or rather, probable relationship blossoms. yet when a male stares into the eyes of a guy, an invisible thread of understanding and enlightenment is formed too, and from the realms of one's palm emits a muscle hypertension which lets fly the third finger, and sparks fly, while a possible, or rather, probable blackeye blossoms.
oh. and those biological drawbacks! ask engkeat or kelvin how difficult it is to train chest muscles to rack them amongst the well-endowed. yet humanity has to even invent a mechanism to hold up the assets of ladies, while we guys struggle day after night working out at gyms. and a thousand damnations to our horny ancestors. males have to suffer daily morning phenomenons, yes yes. i know women have their period of suffering, but at least theirs come monthly!
sigh. the least i can hope for is, perhaps a readership of more males than females.
the voices in my head-
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
8:10 AM
Science NoNos
there are plenty of science nonos that evolve around the human body. and by science nonos, i mean acts which cannot be humanly done by a normal being, as proven by science. some illustrations are that of looking at your ear without a mirror, licking at your elbow, cutting both right and left nails by yourself at the same time, and licking your bellybutton.
and like the rebellious kid i am, defiance is very in and i am so very uncool if i did not rebel, i wrecked my mind to defy the nonos of science. i lay on my floor, bent over but my tongue was nowhere near my anatomy (don't get ideas there), much less my bellybutton. then i steered clear of my mirrors, and shook my head so dangerously quick my neck threatened to fall apart, but to no avail.
and then my eyes lit up, and glittered with a rare brilliance. why couldn't i cut my nails at the same time? i dashed to my mum's toilet, and snatched at two nail clippers, fitted them cautiously to my mouth, fingered my way between the jaws of the clippers, and then. i bit really hard.
einstein, newton, faraday, what little nitwits they are. of course, science can be proven wrong with sheer determination and a streak of brilliance, not forgetting a tinge of blood from my 2nd and 4th finger.
the voices in my head-
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
7:58 AM
Weights
i was hauling at the rusty chain, a load of 50 kg tugging at my back muscles. i remembered heaving an audible sigh while yanking at my last rep and then it happened. the wire connecting the load to my grips snapped, and i saw the length of rubber swish through the equipment, and 5 thick plates of dense metal accelerating downwards, resonating cacophonously.
my legs were somewhat trapped in the cushion pads, and as i saw the wires swooshed madly, almost snake-like, out of control, the weights reinless, the latches unhooked, i knew my end had come. interestingly enough, the last few thoughts that ran through my mind weren't about dying a virgin, leaving my loved ones; but an unbought present for one of my best pal's upcoming birthday.
and then i knew i was dead. the sound was inhumanly deafening. i shut my eyes as if in obedience, and the next moment i knew i would see God. a blinding flash of whiteness or perhaps angels with cute little halos hovering above.
so i forced my eyelids open, heart pounding in half excitement, half fright. and what i saw surpassed any imagination. junxian on my right, kelvin on my left, their jaws drooped, eyes widened with such radii and i swore if they tried to raise their eyebrows any further, they would just disappear into their foreheads. ugly sights indeed, but never a more welcoming face had i ever seen. i could have just kissed them on the spot.
and so i realised, i'm alive after all.
the voices in my head-
Sunday, October 05, 2003
9:52 AM
Changes
i discovered yesterday,
that some things change, and some things don't.
but today, i realised,
some things don't change, yet some things do.
on a similar note, it was great to see you again cher. and a haPpy hapPy birthday to ya, rain
the voices in my head-
Saturday, October 04, 2003
9:49 AM
Wait
the ethereal irony of it all. i abhor waiting, each wasted second trickles down my nervure passage like a glass splinter, working its way slowly into my heart.
yet these days, i wander around aimlessly. i hardly talk in class, i care not about outings whatsoever. friends routinely ask about my welfare, and as if in sham pretence, my smile would mask the frowns skin deep. i'm waiting, for something, yet what, i know not.
this wretched wait fills me with angst, and i've stopped caring. i lapse into frequent mood swings, but such a noun is way too subtle. at times, i thought about the days you instilled in me the escapist's spirit. the times we spoke of dancing the hours away, gazing at the stars till they falter and consume themselves. and then i come out of this reverie, only to be plunged into the hard reality we face.
then i would hate everything around me. and i would renounce everything i ever wanted and am supposed to have desired. of course, i know i've been giving you guys a hard time, but looking at myself from inside out, this would perhaps be the best way it would work out for me. for now, that is.
its like scaling an endless ladder, arms outstretched. balanced precariously only with the soles of my feet, embarked upon a journey to nowhere. each rung is identical, and the future bring no warning labels. i'm waiting to be bought, waiting to be taught, waiting to be prisoned, waiting for an end.
all this while, i knew you were somewhere on the ladder, but above or below how would i know? yet if i remained forever, it would be a futile wait. yet if i had proceeded, i could have been inching rung by rung, further and further away.
and with this prodding thought, i scaled the ladder, the rungs biting into my tender soles, hitting the pinnacle of my pain threshold; while the endless rungs ahead bit into my heart, as the wait continues.
i still love you guys (and girls, for that matter), i really do. don't give up on me just yet.
i just need a little time.
the voices in my head-
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
9:00 AM
Exercise
exercise does wonders to the soul. i awoke today to the damn neighbour's dog woahy-wow-waa-woah. it sounded strange somehow, i could half imagine it mating with some street pussy and howling in ecstasy. okay, back to my point, i then embarked on a 8km jog to west mall and back, before attempting to kill myself with my bike on the way to school.
i haven't played so much basketball since the days of chinese high. these days, it would either be intensive training or leisure play of a period or two. but today, i was pretty determined to stay on the court as i did not want to succumb to the temptation of mahjiong. i've been meeting suying may and gabriel the past nights to play at ungodly hours, only to rush like a preposterous elephant to the j8 bus stop to catch the last bus. and so i stayed on in school till the wee hours of uncle cheong, playing games after games with lenith and co.
oh. and people keep asking if i'm okay. of course i am. it had just been one of those days when someone tipped that little bottle of hatred and fury and all, and all that sordid fluid courses through your veins like steaming poison. you know little little things that irritate and infuriate, they are like little marbles added to an incognito bottle hidden in the heart, and then one day you just have to explode as your face morphs into a shade of purple, fists clenched and all. and wala. a day of exercise follows and all wretched emotions fade into obliteration.
isn't it often said that the cinemas, radios, televisions and magazines are schools of inattention, people look without seeing; listen in without hearing. yet indeed, basketball, jogging and cycling are institutions of attention, we look out from within our eyes; listen in with the insides of our minds; forget, forgive from the chasms of our hearts.
the voices in my head-
i love my girl. a love so beautiful, symmetrical, tangible
God loves me. a love so great, unconditional, real.
my life in a nutshell. working towards loves of sorts. beautiful, symmetrical, tangible, great, unconditional and real.
a page, deliberately left blank.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
I Corinthians 13:4-8
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