we cannot change the cards we are dealt,
just how we play the hand.
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
10:04 AM
The Recruit
it was a weird thing, almost like my virgin taste of a flaming lamborghini, to run my hands through my vacant scalp. i could remember myself hitting furiously on my handphone pad trying to run that snake through the 1000th point, as the merciless barber, obviously indian, took out every bit of bleached hair i ever had on my head.
in short, i'm botak.
i banged upon the hours of today to drop by each and every precious little creatures dear to me, but the hands of my clock must have had a vivid headache from spinning so quickly. all i could manage was a routine victory on court with mingmou, a phone call to my silly sis, a blog post for my dear classmates, and fervent messages to little miss dears and big mister importants. funny how time seems to run when there's less hair on your head.
it has hit me finally. i'm going into the army! to protect my soil, my people, my homeland. face in camo, hands on rifle, fingers in dirt, mouth in silence, legs in torture, dick in fury. its gonna be an all man's land, tens or perhaps hundreds in one bloody platoon running amidst trees and bushes in green rice sacks and beautiful hair cuts. may the lord bless us with sporadic wet dreams, and if so, may he equally bless me that i shan't be bestowed the honour of being the toilet ic.
i'm going to miss you guys. the 8 of us who have taught each other aplenty, from the sport to the game to the girls to the bonds. the 69ers who have taught me that all play and no work makes waikit a dumb boy. the 7 of us who have flown 14000km 40000 feet above, teaching me humanity and humility. the gabriel the royston the sanduo the vincent the joel whom i've cleared from time to time. the mastermind mingmou the chinaman weisi the pakkish pak the jiaobin sean whom i've cleared their wallets from time to time to time to time. and to you, who have cleared my wallet from time to time to time to time to time to time to time.
i don't know how much of my life is going to change. i don't know how much of me is going to change. but i embrace it, what must come has to come anyway, and the smile shan't wane from my face.
a smile's a smile, botak or not.
i love you guys. see you in a bit.
recruit lai.
the voices in my head-
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
7:41 AM
Olidous
this week has been of a teaspoon of insanity coupled with a huge douse of bitter sanity drabbed over. i didn't know what to feel at times, a mixture of despondence and boredom hovering about, with a virginal air of freshness as though i had never had such emotions before. maybe its about the omega of my civilianhood, and entering that starchy green outfit in an absurd haircut, or rather lack of it, that makes me feel so warped these days.
switching to the anthropoid frequency, i've had much thoughts and i'd sooner castrate myself than post them here. yet in a nutshell may this explain my erratic decisions and ridiculous behaviour at times.
one may love a ferrari but can't have it.
yet someone had convinced me that one may harbour the love for a ferrari until he saves enough money for it.
countdown to the day i should morph into a man: 7
the voices in my head-
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
12:50 AM
From The Ocean
if i could turn the tides of time,
i wouldn't have ventured into the ocean.
an ocean,
so warm. so small. so loud.
yet every part i so loved.
if i could turn the tides of time,
i would have peered a little deeper
into the ocean,
for churning within ain't at all like the surface
so transparent. so tranquil.
if i could turn the tides of time,
i would have brought about
wetsuit and flippers,
amidst frolic with the shoals of pretty fish
run i could, from the lurking sharks.
if i could turn the tides of time,
i would have downed
a bottle of patience and a bucket of love,
for the blues and the greens of the ocean
just about requires, that.
if i could turn the tides of time,
i would have accustomed myself
to the tastes,
to the scents of the ocean,
not a bit unlike beads of tears.
if i could turn the tides of time,
i might have turned my back
away from the tides
into the sands,
for i knew not how to swim.
if i could turn the tides of time,
i would have undone the previous lines
for i would rather have
stepped
into the ocean
and died
then nothing at all.
for it were something i love. had loved.
- aWak3n|nG 15/3 4:57pm
the voices in my head-
Sunday, March 14, 2004
8:11 AM
i must confess..
i have been ______ like a ______ because i'm simply too ______. perhaps you should ______, because there is much more ______ in life than just ______. i do ______ you, but i ______ life too, and i ______ a lot of these and thats you can't ______.
now there, stop ______ and ______. for i'm now ______ and will no longer ______.
goodnight.
the voices in my head-
Saturday, March 13, 2004
1:21 AM
Acts 2 : 1-4
i've been acting too much in my life to realise who i actually am. but i look at the people around me, and i hear adulation of someone at the highest order yet amidst his back lurks never-ceasing bitching and slamming. i look at the people around, and i see smiles from ear to ear, but never to the eyes. mind you, it ain't genuine ambivalence. its more like downright hypocrisy. we're all actors ain't we?
perhaps i'm growing up too much, perhaps i've finally grown up. perhaps, maybe, just perhaps.
i don't know what i mean by happiness anymore. its as if the last 2 years had been a cosmic play someone was directing, and my passion playing basketball would just had been something shortlived, lost to the jungles of tekong. and friends weren't really friends, for we were just homo sapiens coerced into an identical learning community. what about the little things we did? the little mouse-y faces, salivating faces, scribbles of aWak3n|nGs, curly wurly mushis? all packed into a 65 by 40cm cardboard coffin, abandoned upon the highest shelves of my room.
how terribly off tangent i sound, but thats how i felt when i was faced with the open house at NUS today.
would the next few years at university be a tsunami of deja vu, where i stand at the end, hands clutched upon a degree. so precious yet so useless.
would i stand at the graduation stand hurling my graduation hat into the empty sky, finished with my education, finished with studying, just finished?
and the people at university.. friends bond by that ethereal connection or study mates that are pushed together by a yellow-grey tutorial class?
someone asked me today why i didn't want to be a lawyer, and i stared into her questioning eyes like a blank space knowing i've loads to say, but not knowing exactly how to put it. its more like a train of thought from the depths of the heart but i'm too used to acting, so lets just carry on with it ya?
i feel like i'm in purgatory, whenever someone asks me about what i'm going to study, what i'm going to be. just as if it were slightly after i had died, right after the last bit of my soul breaks loose with my body. awaiting cleansing, enlightenment. being neither in hell nor earth nor heaven, emotionless and stateless. just so tired.
and then i took a cab home because i was just feeling so unawakened, and God bless the dear taximan who had the nike advertisement song going. stuck by an acute case of anthropomorphism, monty python acted like a therapy, sieving away my troubles, leaving them to be forgotten.
the wonders of advertisement. what a brilliant marketing ploy, how unlike education.
forgive me, i rant too much. most of the times my posts do have a point in them, but i seem to have lost it some way back. i may have been too histrionic, but ain't we all actors after all?
the voices in my head-
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
8:35 PM
Augury
the past days have been a blur.
my results were not say punishable of a bondage, but neither were they of my expectations. nonetheless, i would say they were as much as i had deserved, but in retrospect, perhaps this would come for the better.
i've been thinking so much of what to pursue, where to go i can feel the tender veins of my head blinking in defiance.
some say i should stick to what i like. psychology? business?
general degrees, they say.
some say i should pursue my dreams.
singapore, still, is conservative.
others say to go for the big bucks
needless to study then, i'd say
yet some say i should pursue law
but lawyers do go to hell.
wish i had an answer to that. life is but a rush of events that come forth while your future comes by you before you had a chance to look into it. the past 2 years have passed me without much thought.. still if anyone were to ask if i'd regretted anything, i guess it would be the fact that i hadn't tried out every stall at the canteen.
but i'm not going to play around with my life like that anymore. its been too much of a game so far, and i'm just that player who moves my chess pieces around, trying to beat my opponent. now i've got to fling the whole chess set aside, jump upon my adversary and punch him in the face.
the voices in my head-
Sunday, March 07, 2004
9:20 PM
On ABC
and the irony of it all. A levels are just about as easy as ABC.
the voices in my head-
Thursday, March 04, 2004
8:12 PM
On ABCs
and so it boils down, to that slip of paper i'm gonna collect in a matter of minutes. good luck to all
the voices in my head-
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
7:18 PM
Senseless
i look at the plate of chicken thighs on my dining table, and i felt their pain.
on other news, i lost my virgin blue membership card yesterday morning, almost right after i stepped out of the airport. i doubt i'll ever have it back.
the voices in my head-
Monday, March 01, 2004
6:49 AM
On Missing
i discovered i was a natural archer nearly a decade ago, when my parents brought me to club med. then i stared at circles within circles within circles for four years at air rifle in chinese high. then i managed to play for the one of the best teams at basketball.
but today, i'm to leave australia, and one often wonders how a person like me can miss so many things at a go.
i'll miss the sun that bites me
i'll miss the winds that blow me
i'll miss the orange juice, i'll miss the silky milk
i'll miss the tarantulas that make me choke
i'll miss the golden cat that paws my ankle
i'll miss my parents' petite little banker
i'll miss these three, the tracks the trams the trains
i'll miss the neighbour, her hair her eyes her breast
i'll miss the possum that lurks at one
i'll miss the birds that chirp for fun
but of all i guess,
to heck with the rest
i know i wouldn't miss them any less.
i wouldn't be seeing them for a long time. but perhaps i had never seen them long to begin with. i return home way after the sun sets each day, with a little whisper of goodnight before retreating into my room. i'll see little of my mom in the days to come, 7000km away. or perhaps 7050km, when my face is in the soil at that forsaken little offshore island. i'll see even less of my dad, as he flys from continent to continent, erecting properties of various shapes and sizes. and lastly, my sister. that little budding (very irritating) princess who would most probably have matured to full blossom of a lady the next time i see her. hate to sound gay, but i know i'll miss them
alas, to add cream to the pizza, i had to delete all my messages today.
i knew i couldn't bring myself to do it, so i re-read each message, hoping they were etched upon a lasting memory before flinching a wee bit as my fingers pressed upon the delete key.
the messages stored from an age ago, cherie and mel's, coupled with tienfun's and olivia's, chermain's first message lurking amidst peishan's goodnights. then came the congratulatory basketball and talentime finals messages, with a rare collection of inspirational messages by my teammates, my captain, my classmates, my teachers. and who would ever delete a message tinged with a streak of flirt and a dash of naughtiness? not forgetting my award-winning mortal's sugercoated cheekycherry maltmelting cheddarcheesy mozirella pepperoni chocofudgy chillispicy mashymallow vodkalimey darlin dearie angelic messages, and fangxi my dear wife's persistent nag about returning her econs essay outlines. then came along silly rachel and even sillier wanjun who talked about anything and everything. and finally her, her first messages stored in the little places no one ever knew.
all of it, like little sachets of memories, unplugged as my finger tipped downwards each time.
alas i couldn't stand it anymore. i went to messages - erase messages - all read
and with a deep breathe and a burning bead of tear, it was all gone.
i hate saying goodbyes.
the voices in my head-
i love my girl. a love so beautiful, symmetrical, tangible
God loves me. a love so great, unconditional, real.
my life in a nutshell. working towards loves of sorts. beautiful, symmetrical, tangible, great, unconditional and real.
a page, deliberately left blank.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
I Corinthians 13:4-8
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