we cannot change the cards we are dealt,
just how we play the hand.
Sunday, October 30, 2005
11:06 PM
And
i love you. come what may.
funny why people always believe the former to be the three most difficult words to utter.
the voices in my head-
Saturday, October 29, 2005
11:31 PM
Stepping into a Club
its been nearly a year since i've subjected myself to an eternal chamber of smoke, tinklets of glasses of cheap vodka with expensive soda, and music especially loud since speakers are always planted atop dance floors and i happen to be just quite tall.
or perhaps it could be more apt to say it had been three years since i've stepped into a club stepless, as my dear friend gently reminded me in a horrible screech last night.
funny though. i felt as if i weren't really amongst the good old company of good old friends, nor was i pouncing about this girl or that. it definitely hadn't been the best of moods to hitch any fast dates with a lingering ring swinging in pendulum with 1-2-step. i don't know how i could have countenanced such uncool behaviour, this lonely loser sitting in a little corner, but truth be told, i had never felt more at ease in a club.
everything in a club was to do with the singular, omnipresent obsession with lust and sex. sitting there with an occasional chat with lost friends uncovered this little corner and that, i viewed the dance floor like my baby cousin flipping on Teletubbies upon the screen.
i could see with a little pang of nostalgia, scores of guys flipping their fringe so hollywoodishly, and those slightly more unfortunate fringeless ones substituted their inferiority for a dick of nicotine snugged on their lips. girls, in the times where i had been lucky enough to sieve out of the sea of vigorous raging hormones, could be seen doing just the necessary to fuel the sea into a whirlpool of exuberant potent and highly explosive hormones for goodness knows what.
and more than once. i did giggle to myself a little too loudly, for i could have sworn it was all quite stupid.
but not all be damned, my friends. it was 2:30 in the weewee hours of a saturday morning and i witnessed two grown idiots, angmohs for a fact (disclaimer: and by angmohs, i mean coincidentally angmohs and not purposefully angmohs for they were angmohs only by chance and i do not generalise angmohs to be idiots. so for a little mercy do not report this blog to the authorities for i wish no harm to be bestowed and i do not wish to be fine caned jailed or hanged and i know singapore is a multi racial and multi religious country where we should all live together in peace joy love happiness good health and long life.). and they were dancing so very flamboyantly and with such mirth. genuine indeed, whether spurred with the aid of alcohol or otherwise i would never be sure.
but they had a good laugh, however many times they may have fallen off the podium, and i could just about taste the aura they powerfully exhalted.
it was in the midst of an eternal chamber of smoke, tinklets of glasses of cheap vodka with expensive soda, and music especially loud that i felt a surge of respect for such upfront candid hoopla with élan.
and i sigh. i am so grown up these days i make myself sick.
the voices in my head-
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
2:36 AM
Globe
an aged globe lying in forlornness, i realised in the midst of 2:35am on a weekday morning, as a little black ant scrambles across the screen, something which had been staring at me for many a year. something which could have quite well answered the root of spend loving and love spending .
there is right about three quarts of our bluegreen planet blanketed with water, yet we choose to live on one quart of puny land. it is of course, undeniably not the lack of sophistication that compels this unnatural nature of man, but quite like an instinct. congenital and intrinsic.
after all, love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. and ain't love supposed to be the most axiomatic fundamental of them all?
the voices in my head-
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
9:36 PM
Responsibility Response
these days i've been quite overwhelmed by the different genre of messages i've been receiving on my phone.
Pls try to get it (the signal strength) up. I've faith in you
- a very accomodating OC
btw one of your spec.. dropped a helmet from the 3rd storey. i'm thinking of giving him 2 extra. you okay with that?
- a very weird fellow commander
ni hao! wo shi meng zi de ma ma. ta de ying wen ji ge, fei chang xie xie ni
- a very ecstatic mother
teacher.. i got b for my physics :) thanks!
- a very pretty student
responsibilities hits the twenties. and its getting quite fun indeed.
the voices in my head-
Friday, October 21, 2005
9:30 AM
Paths
he loved the girl he chose to love. and she loved him.
but the mind was too preoccupied with worldly affairs to understand the princess.
they became cold and sank deeper into the world within their thoughts, because he loved her.
princess of Disney, she thought she was
no place in this world for another.
-adapted by de la tour d'ivoire, the black star
why. i often ask these days. why had i done this? why had i done that? why am i still doing this? why am i still doing that?
and no one answers these days.
it was said in the books of history that i may love another, it was said in the stars that we were too different to begin with, it was said even in ourselves that it had been an accidental love right from the first night. but come what may, remember.
yet i once remember saying its over the day i kept something from you. i hope if only two overs could make none.
the voices in my head-
Thursday, October 20, 2005
11:32 PM
Age
i've had many a little chat these days with the tree of eternity joshua lim dodo and sneaky peaky mond, all thanks to alternate nights of training tucked far away in a forsaken kranji camp. but i ain't complaining. these little chats we share would cut deep into the night, deep into the heart, deep into the mind, and its in such depth that i find ourselves aging. from little cuties discussing rush and tech methods of warcraft III beneath the hoops and amongst the balls in the hwachong era, to thinking men of the 20s with talk and thought about money family future.
october is indeed the month of aging.
the voices in my head-
Monday, October 17, 2005
12:12 AM
Sojourn
it was for the better.
the last statement doesn't seem just right, eh? but it is, you hear this tragic music, this wretched funeral song simply because songs are often heard and seldom tasted, lest the fingers. music was meant to be tasted, who knows? all music is not unto ears, all love is not unto happily-ever-after-close-the-book-and-kiss-goodnight.
i can hear you all say, "what a royal jerk. a full fleged prick in utmost blossom" or perhaps the less fancy "fuck that horrible irresponsible bastard". and you're right. yes. you you you and you. i am indeed one of the most horrible irresponsible things ever loved. yet irresponsibility is part of my love, any way you face it, it is of no denial. and you just wait till i reveal irresponsibility in its orgasmic climax. for responsibility rests upon love, and love is a form of agreement, which we have both, blantly refused.
i have become too snarled in the desire to unlove, the twitching memories of eternity and forevermore. to undo the all you've laid down, in endless nights of sweet love. to unfurl what has been thrown upon me, exceeding expectations and disappointing disappointments.
but you would ask. you all would ask. what did i do to be so irresponsible? bear with me.
even snowballs run into spring, and snowballs melt and die.
it was, for the better
the voices in my head-
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
2:13 AM
Unfounded Lost
recent days i've been going astray quite a bit. i meet lost friends in unfamiliar places, i meet unfamiliar friends in lost places.
simply because the usual. the routine. hurts too much
-
i met a friendly stranger and a strange friend last night. they were pretty much the same young girl growing old.
hey you. thanks.. i'll keep. that promise.
the voices in my head-
Sunday, October 09, 2005
11:00 AM
To the piece of a pretty stair
i couldn't get over the defeat yesterday. it was a simple match, one i daresay i could have taken down singlehandedly. yet even with the aid of huanghui and a roar of fervent support from the bench, i failed. for the first time faltering whilst donning a redwhite 15 on my back. to quaver beneath such a small team.
it seems in recent times, i've been humbled by the small.
-
my dad used to tempt me with a miserable drink of yakult after soccer on late sunday afternoons in the most unkempt neighbourhood park of ancient havelock road, but i would refuse. for then i would grab a full can of glamorous coke upon returning home
one thing i had learnt from mahjong, its all about the patience, determination, equanimity, certitude and forbearance in discarding two big tiles to cook up a ping hu, and wala. thats chips to the power of four than a miserable one.
i was primary three when i first tasted a tinge of paucity, a hollow jiggle within my khaki trousers. i would stare in appetence as i see my classmates exchange precious tinkets of copper for a tube of iced jelly. this tinge singed the very core of my heart but i refused to give in, saving for a week before i would exchange my sole tinket of gold each friday for an entire bottle of voodoo jelly (the premium iced jelly drink of `95)
our government and little cents we throw into a central provident fund each month, all about spending less and saving more, for a brighter future and a greater tomorrow
delayed gratification.
sometimes, we do need to take a step back, look upon ourselves in the mirror of erised, for a full can of glamorous coke, chips to the power of four, an entire bottle of voodoo jelly, a brighter future and a greater tomorrow.
the voices in my head-
Saturday, October 08, 2005
1:45 PM
Over
and so it is.
the voices in my head-
Friday, October 07, 2005
4:45 AM
Parting Shot
i admit, i have been a little indecisive these days. i played a girl by her heart, toying around with the most sacred emotions like a lego piece twisted amidst my wretched fingers. but i was afraid.
i tell you today, finally, because i have come to a consensus that it would have to be told sooner or later. and if we do falter, i had rather it be sooner.
you bought two pretty little things today. and its true, i had no right to stop you buying little expensive things like that, but at least begrudge my anger would you. i know not what you are in this relationship for, but 4 months into our love i had come to the realisation that you are for real.
yet if we were to marry, there would be certain things we've got to come to agree upon. little things i would demand change, and those little things which you cannot change i would have to come to adapt. to change upon myself. but not all, my girl, not all.
i say to you, the day i stop scrowling when you pick two little expensive things off the shelf, would be the time you know its over. it would be that day when you know i've given up on our love, on what could have been our lives, and it would be that wretched moment that any other girl that comes by my life would become the next great possibility in place of you.
it would, alas, be at that sordid instant that you know i have come to accept that it is easier to change a girlfriend than to change a girlfriend's habits.
the voices in my head-
Thursday, October 06, 2005
12:43 AM
Contemplation - Con Temptation
we were talking about the green force, and how i had embarked on this quite very seemingly treacherous road from becoming a coporal to an officer, when a particular dear fellow officer was telling us about how he hated commanders of a little winky bar to abuse their rank. or even specialists for that matter, and with that he dwelled into the tale of how he screwed a sergeant in front of his man when he had his man ordered to fill a cup for him.
my lower lip formed a half pout and i said, not with an air of you-should-have-done-this but rather matter-of-factly, "you should have dragged the sergeant away and talked to him about it."
he was about to refute when i continued, "but of course, you could screw him then. i advocate screw sessions, just not in front of the man. cos then you ain't just going about screwing that screwable sergeant but rather the system."
we were silent for a while. i could tell he was contemplating my words.
but truth be told, i was contemplating my own words as well. i hadn't said something so intelligent for quite a while.
the voices in my head-
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
5:44 PM
On Three
these days its just about the game. days and nights of balls and hoops and courts. i feel sometimes, that i could have possibly been mutated into a limkamput with three testicles.
but i ain't complaining. the 3 division basketball team offers me, some intangible sort of closure to the little path i took upon since sec 3. i have had for now, teammates which i used to play alongaside back in sec 4 at Bukit Timah CSC, and even those treasured little act cute personnels of HwaChong. i couldn't have possibly missed out the flying pork whom i played with back at RJC, not forgetting how we bustled and hustled and cuddled the ball against the likes of the Selangor State team.
georgina bush once said, to fight terrorism we have got to first find something to bind us together. may the three testicled limkamput suggest to him that perhaps, a good little game of basketball would do.
maybe Osama's turban would be lost in the game, and perhaps. just perhaps he would be a little more light-headed from there.
the voices in my head-
i love my girl. a love so beautiful, symmetrical, tangible
God loves me. a love so great, unconditional, real.
my life in a nutshell. working towards loves of sorts. beautiful, symmetrical, tangible, great, unconditional and real.
a page, deliberately left blank.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
I Corinthians 13:4-8
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