a W a k 3 n | n G *

Monday, June 30, 2003
9:24 AM

Mercurial Heart

i tossed left and right, up and down, experimenting with several positions on bed (to sleep, of course), and even attempted using my blanket to wrap myself like a popiah, but sleep just wouldn't creep over me. unlike ben, i didn't resort to wanking (for the more adventurous who are keen on vivid juicy details, do refer to his blog), rather, i tuned up my stereo and a warm sensation slithered over me as a mist wafted into my eyes.

it seemed to me that i had slept for a 20 minute that stretched over an eternity. i awoke in cold sweat, drenching the popiah skin that clenched uncomfortably to my skin. i snatched at the bits of dream that were by now, drifting amorphously out of reach. and how i remembered, it brought me back to the first days of my JC life, the glorious moments of orientation. unnervingly enough, my memory was able to stretch and recall each station of my orientation, from the muddy plains behind RJ's canteen to the towering structure in the middle of the barren soccer field. "eshcroft go!" i distinctly remembered nora shrieking, while wenzheng was beaming behind her; and i lifting the eshcroft banner in full blossom, all the time garnering the unwavering support of my fellow eshcrofters.

i clearly remembered nora tugging at my shirt, and it was that critical moment when i released a salvo of cheers before turning peering over to my back, that i realised they weren't there anymore. the banner faltered as i turned my neck so abruptly left and right, only to see nora and wenzheng bent double over stacks of quantum physics, while wei an was lost amidst a gang of funky clubbers. i rustled my hair in confusion, just before chermain fleeted by, and pei disappearing into nothingness.
the banner fell with a clank. and the ground opened up, swallowing me into smitten earth. i fell 7 storeys into arms of the others, and before i knew it, i was skipping around the central plaza, hands in hands with them.

and it was then, that i realised my eyes were set agape, no longer misty but glittering beneath the disappearing moon.

the voices in my head-

Saturday, June 28, 2003
8:35 AM

Locker Logger

i felt the terrible surge of nastiness today, when i discovered my locker had been unceremoniously broken into. and the sickening thing was, the thief took off with two little presents, one which belonged to me (still unopened, dammit.) and another, from me to my friend.

this hideous SARS-deserving crime took place between yesterday and 12 noon today, it was most unfortunate that of all victims, it had to be me-who-was-about-to-embark-on-mugging-for-the-day. and alas, it was of even greater misfortune that of all culprits, it had to be he-who-was-deprived-enough-to-nick-presents-he-couldn't-even-see-within.

to whom it may concern, if you had undeliberately stumbled upon my locker, removed my lock by mistake, unpurposedly scooped two presents from within, and accidentally walked away with it, please feel free to call me at 96303210 to arrange a meal, where we could perhaps exchange some pleasantries.

the voices in my head-

Thursday, June 26, 2003
9:15 AM

Order of the phoneix

"accio tys!" i exclaimed.
the book soared towards me, and i flipped it desparately. surely there must be some mention on the relationship between the photoelectric effect and current. hmm, it must have been Peeves who had bewitched my darling tys.
"appareo appareo!" alas, just as Hermoine had failed on Riddle's diary, the damn answers just won't appear.
i stormed out of the room, blasting a well-placed dissendium at the doors, all the while telling myself i must go look for someone who can explain this blooming theory. but i was faltering with fatigue, the previous 8 hour marathon of complex numbers has somewhat fried what little brain cells i had.
all of a sudden, a boggart rumbled above the library shelves, i glared at it furiously for the din it was kicking, and it turned into a two pile stack of Photoelectric notes. happy thought, happy thought, mutters dear old waikit, before bellowing "Expecto Patronus" to unleash a walking dildo towards the boggart. alas, it was to drive away a dementor, not a two pile stack of photoelectric notes. Realising the fart-deserving blunder, i clamored a decent "Ridikulus" before embarking on the search for Professor Trelawney to explain what beneath the blue baboonic moon was E = hf.
and luck upon luck, i saw my Hogwarts pal in solitude. screeching stupefy before she can escape, i managed to place her under imperio and ordered her to clarify my doubts.
i saw knowledge in her eyes, but she whispered and whimpered, and i couldn't hear what she was muttering beneath her breath. Sonorus, i bawled, but it only magnified her gasps.
Avada Kedavra, i said almost lazily, before dragging myself back to my desk. and then i realised with a swirl of regret, that i hadn't attempted the switching spell on her brains.

in other words. if i had peeped at my Quantum Physics a second longer, i'd be driven fucking mad.

the voices in my head-

Tuesday, June 24, 2003
9:08 AM

reckoning beckoning

i think i'm being a selfish prick.
letters sprawled upon the desk, birthday greetings unthanked, sms deleted and forgotten.
while guilt plagues me as i bury my nose into newton's two hundred and eighteenth law, my only comfort is that people do this all the time. a twinge of hypocrisy stung me as i recall those treasured moments with friends who'd turned aquaintances, aquaintances turned strangers. yet a greater longing as if i had glared into a pensieve, the day i left nawang with tears trickling down in vast affection. or forgive the cliche, but maybe its the greater regret that i hadn't treasured something till i had lost it.

as the distance jaws in and that familiar feeling creeps around, it feels like one great dejavu. a sugary dream yet again or a recurring nightmare? it feels so old, yet in every aspect different. perhaps i'm just missing the idea of her and not so much of missing her, alas. i can only pray for unfaltering strength and discriminating anmesia.

the voices in my head-

Monday, June 23, 2003
8:24 AM

Ramblings

LOVE is your chinese symbol!

What Chinese Symbol Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

yes, i heard you muttering beneath that breath wondering its true or not.
i guess such quizzes are true, but not all of which i took are slapped upon here. you may call it shunning away from the truth, but i prefer to call it selective moderation.
i mean, you can't expect me to let you know i'm 67.3% gay nor would anyone in their right mind tell you that he's going to die heteroclitely hung upon a mango tree at 12 midnight with twelve samurai swords sticking in him.
oh well, back to the order of the phoneix.

the voices in my head-

Saturday, June 21, 2003
9:41 AM

Words continuez

it seems like words are so easily lashed out with a flick of the tongue, yet even more uneasily retracted in comparison to a fiery arrow. and more so, they slip so easily the eaves of one's lips, yet seemingly forgettably forgotten all the while.
fulun told me today that he splurged half his brain cells trying to find my gift. and then he went on to telling me he had nearly bought the Wheelers shoes or perhaps a treasury of Roald Dahl. upon considerable reflection, i recall passing remarks about wanting this and wanting that, but never seriously considering blowing 200 bucks on such luxury goods, yet forgotten words hang onto others like the soft leaves upon an autumn tree.
and it wasn't a while back when kelvin told me i made resolutions not to go clubbing. nor was it very distant when someone prodded me about my resolution about not getting attached. speaking seriously frankly in all honesty, i do not recollect making such treacherous resolutions, yet all the more it proves my point that words are indeed forgettably forgotten all the time.

and speaking of words, they do travel from tongues to tongues like sparks ignited upon a dry dead leaf litter. it was perhaps a mere 3 months back when this absolutely fabulous junior of mine sprained his feet upon mine. oh of course, in accordance to him, i had deliberately sprained his ankle so that i can sneak my way into the team this year.
wala! allah be damned, half the world knew about it since then, from chengyi to dolphus, and even from SA to RJ. bless this talented junior of mine, but i ain't going to condemn him right here right now, for that would mean succumbing to his divine level of artsy.

for indeed, as rudyard kipling puts it, words are the most powerful drug used by mankind.

the voices in my head-

Thursday, June 19, 2003
10:01 AM

Turning 18

i thought it was going to be another of those days, hours of scorching sun and blanketing heat at the class bench, where you can spy a tall guy hunched over his physics tys yearning desparately for new formulae. i ain't attached, and no special soul mate would spend half her day lurking about me; i ain't organising a birthday bash like last year where i fed 80 people with catered food meant for 50; nor would my friends forsake a precious day of mugging to celebrate the birthday of yet another person out of the 4 billion in the world. by all logical explanations, this would be one of the most boring birthdays i would have.

but it seems i'd been wrong from the start. awakened by piercing light rays which snake their way amidst the curtain of money plants, i was prodded by the most wonderful sight in my life.
No Space
For New
Messages
don't you just love it? the beep of an incoming sms could match up to the swoosh of a silent ball burning the hoop, and the sight of such a phenomenon beats the pixels of naked porn stars across my desktop. people who scuttle by me in half apprehension, half fear; people whom i thought have been forgotten; people whom i've not seen in a year, they simply make my day with some mere words.

i took off towards school shortly after i met benson, sandra and company. it was unnerving to see people with the busiest schedules still managing to churn up the most wonderful presents. but it ain't the present that counts, nor how much its worth, and fangxi i thank you for your hundred flowered polygon. i know its not just the effort, but the opportunity cost of perhaps 2 chapters of chemistry S questions that went into the making of it. and kelvin too, nothing could beat kind words, said or written. -smiLez-

and i thought i was going to be stripped. i have a really panaromic view you know, but the bball guys somewhat managed to evade my sight throughout the day. fulun and joshua called me, and each asked me if i were free tonight, and upon a hesitant reply, they cut the call. i knew something was amiss, when kelvin was beckoned to join fulun behind a pillar before dissolving into fits of whispers. for a wild moment, i expected all of them to charge from 8 directions to deflower me, but it turned out that they were meeting secretly somewhere and it was only in the late evening that jianming and fulun dragged me along.

it was to common knowledge that basketballers were stupid, but never did it occur that they could be so sweet. perhaps they would each squirm in utter disgust if they knew they were deemed sweet, but it was really touching to see each of them blow their pockets over the legendary relic, the sword of frodo. each time after training, we would march down to cute chicken and order lychee ices where upon each starving individual would grope at one another's lychee ice and a slight sip would invite a deserving whack on the head alongside a warcry of "mai lai!".
and to think the pressie's worth perhaps a hundred cups of blended ice.

indeed, its nice to be loved
a big thank to you guys once again, and to all who chipped in for the present, dearest sipsok and co.
and an equally big thank you to you peeps out there who remembered the birthday of just another ordinary guy turning 18.
love ya all.

the voices in my head-

Wednesday, June 18, 2003
10:15 AM

Words

we scuttle by one another in half apprehension, half fear. what would i do if i said hi and he didn't reply? and worse, glance me up only to contort a frown before speeding off?
we bury ourselves in books laden heavy with knowledge, books to educate us on the hows in life. yet we deal not with the whys amidst the blatent answer with friends around.

a flicker of cold frost shimmered in my eyes as i embarked on chapters of physics, but frowns and sighs are highly contagious as rumours and gossips are, and i kept the smile on. only junli saw that i was a way off awaykening's usual self, but through my teeth, i lied i was fine as newton and faraday hit me at the back of my head with an apple and a magnet, exclaiming so loudly that i wasn't.

words are so rare these days, honest words as two souls sit down and talk. such little yet glorious moments i hold close to my heart as pamela squealed with innocent shock upon discovering we were kindergarden mates, such trivial yet missed chats with sipei and brain over instinctive brainy answers, such are the times i missed and perhaps would never come again.

many ask what a happy guy like me can see upon the mirror of erised, just a smile perhaps. a really hearty wave. and a nice little chat.

the voices in my head-

Sunday, June 15, 2003
8:30 AM

Once agains

it has chosen a really bad time to resurface. i never imagined that in the midst of nothingness, it would smack me in my face once again. but once more, i prepare myself to embrace it, only to once again realise it would be the worst mistake of my life. and that familiar voice at the back of my head would speak once more, "how would you know if you never tried?"

on another note, i simply love the song zhi dao by Zhang Hui Mei, i fell in love with the girl the moment she sung it at lionheart.

the voices in my head-

Friday, June 13, 2003
6:48 AM

City Harvest

you know the really green wallet i carry, with that hanging frog named papupi? it was given to me by someone really special. and she told me, it was coz i'm just like a happy little frog in a dry little well, heedless of whatever that happens around me, deliriously gleeful at every opportunity.

it struck me yesterday that for 17 golden years, i had been pacing the circumference of the well so faithfully i thought i could have qualified for the most obedient christian award. each week, i would routinely travel 11.3 kilometres down to orchard road presbyterian and attempt to stay awake during the sermon while some beardy mighty man preaches, and then back home with a sense of fulfilment right after.
yesterday, fulun urged me to visit City Harvest as there was some youth conference going on. my curiosity surpassed my unfaithful laziness and i headed to Boon Lay to stumble into a magnificent building laced with a hotel-like reception and fullerton's toilets. what surprised me was the fact that nearly each person was a gloriously funky youth, with hair dyed in streaks of magneto. the newest clothes were flaunted in full blossom, and i was prepared to bet that half the population were present to check on the girls, or perhaps just brand themselves as members of the coolest church in Asia.

and then the service begun. they sang, they clapped, they danced, they spun, while i watched on with utmost shock. awe overcame me as i saw each pair of hands clapping in unison, from the nerdiest library girls alive to the tattooed skateboarding guys. voices blended each other, as their branded clothes and bags were stripped to unmask the yearning soul which reaches out deeply into God. never in my 17 years had i experienced such a surge of emotion, as each week of my traditional congregation would only be dedicated to hymnal singing and perhaps if i were lucky, a joke or two.

and of course, i dismissed the spirits of such a clubbish high as a result of the concert lightings, revolving LCDs and heart throbbing drums. indeed, i thought condescendingly, these kids are here to worship the idea of God and not God itself, these kids are here united in music, and not in spirit.

and it was then, that Pastor Sun came on stage and a flurry of bustling came about from all directions, as each funky youth rushed to get his bible out of the bag, and a notepad.

the voices in my head-

Thursday, June 12, 2003
9:38 AM

Thawu

to whom it may concern:
thank you, sorry, you're welcome, please forgive.

the voices in my head-

Monday, June 09, 2003
8:54 AM

On the way home

my mum reminded me that it would be my birthday in a week, and asked if it were going to be yet another collosal bash just like last year. but i burped her suggestion aside, as i yearned for midnight to strike upon me, in unique tranquility and naked exposure. its been a long time since i'd been left alone, and i had nearly forgotten how it feels like, but in apparent honesty, i desire for it to feed upon me once more, just a slight nibble to hurl me back into cherishing my present, and quit gibbering about how it all sucks. how it all has ended. how life's so boring.

and with yet another impending birthday comes a scary thought. it would be my last years as a teenager. the mere thought of it sends a shiver up my spine as i try to peep into the windows of adulthood, before my mum screams into me, "Waikit, are you listening to me? How many people would you be inviting this time? Would you like to cater or barbeque?"

the voices in my head-

Saturday, June 07, 2003
10:19 AM

On tai chi mids

so it was, our week was topped off with a dose of lionheart. certainly, it meant more than soaking the limelight, it meant more than reliving talentime, or even ridding SARS, in fact, it truly signified an end to the end of all things.

we recollected the sight of our brand new shoes. the delivery man presented us our taichimid shoes right at the doorstep of the auditorium hours before talentime, smelling of fresh leather and the excitement of a season. and i still remember, two of the balls were wrapped in glossy plastic, unspoiled by a single bounce upon the dusty courts. yet today, our taichimids have run the run, raced the race, exalting our souls upon a championship. and tonight, it resurfaced on stage once more beneath the eyes of a thousand.

and the hours we'd spent choreographing this dance, it summed up to a final smack on the ball before twirling round to flaunt our butts in full blossom. we couldn't have felt prouder, yet sadder when the curtains fell upon us. i'd like to take this opportunity to thank the gazillion peeps out there who have loved us before, loved us after, and loved us throughout. we love you.

the voices in my head-

Friday, June 06, 2003
5:37 AM

On a Fool's Folly

as i walked down one out of the billion dark alleys in the world, my heart mingled with a fiery ball of emotions,
and i thought you were waiting for me.
and too, i thought i was awaiting your presence.
patiently yet glamorously yearning for your call, a gesture, a slight nod, or perhaps just a wink.
but alas.

it seems you were waiting. or at least just i. for the wrong people. at the wrong times.

and so it is, and so it was, and so it would be.
i turned out of the dark alley, and the glitter of a rundown store beckoned to me. my face was drawn to its shelves like the tides to the moon, and upon the top shelf i noticed this really rustic bear.

upon the background, three young girls were shuffling from bear to bear, turning them over, squeezing for the distinct bear purr, but none seemed to satisfy them. and all of a sudden, two of the girls spotted the top bear, and they scrambled to their mothers, shrilling and shrieking at the top of their voices, for the rustic bear charmed them beyond any other.
but eyes gleamed with envy, and bears have a nature of yearning for what does not belong to them, and it thrust its chest towards the third girl, who remained aloof despite the commotion.

and it seemed finally, that the two girls were dragged out of the store by their mothers, still shrilling, still shrieking, and the bear too. still stupidly strutting its chest towards the third girl. and plop. it lost its balance, and fell five shelves below to a puddle of mud.

i tried to save it, but as i outstretched my neck in a bid to scoop the rustic bear before it fell, my nose hit the window pane. i hopped back in pain, let my middle finger loose in full erect, and sped back towards the dark alley.

and as i looked back, i realised there wasn't a bear on the top shelf, but an antique mirror amidst a twirl of cobwebs.

the voices in my head-