we cannot change the cards we are dealt,
just how we play the hand.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
11:49 PM
Song of the Siren
there is this little stall tucked in a corner of the market, itty-bitty lights drooping down from its big bang banner. Paris Western Food if i do recall correctly, but its signature ain't that little flap of chicken cutlet drenched in its most delicious mushroom sauce, but two stereo speakers worthy of its mixed grill and chicken nuggets put together, them blasting the most cheerful hokkien tunes from the classic era where big puffy hairdos and purple dotty tights were the in thing.
eating there, at an ungodly 11 in the night, always manages to put a smile on my face. perhaps its the work of that beautiful little flap of chicken cutlet, but i must say much credit too goes to the loony preposterous songs blasted from the past. today, i witnessed this wrinkly old man at the table beside mine, his golden tooth quite visible from afar, grooving to the beat of wa si di lao xiong. a cranky smile stretched across his ancient cheeks, and it wasn't long before he rose on his feet and danced.
daft. quite cuckoo.
but i couldn't help wondering if i would be that wrinkly old man one day, reminiscencing about talentime `03 with a 50 year old ah cai, crying to the tunes of jacky cheung with a very old pastor fuhluen, gawking to droopy (goodness knows where) siewping still trying to hum to m2m, cracking up to xiaowei and step rapping bits of jay chou en route the great ocean road, or pestering vernon (who has by then a nice huge pension) once more about guang huai fang shi.
the days ahead are so unclear. unmarked. unpathed.
and it is only amidst these days of constant change that such songs remain unwavering.
change not my friends.
the voices in my head-
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
10:41 PM
Winning and Wondering
i nearly died playing basketball today.
i was tempted to spill an entire commentary on the match against 6 DIV, coupled with a few national players here and there, dotted by some SAFSA players there and here, but i realised it would have involved a certain multitude of profanities. so i would just have it put in a nutshell that we won, from 6 points down in the last quarter to 2 miserable little witty points up.
i must say, 3 Divison basketball team kicks serious ass.
on a less violent note, my team mates went on a rampage of carbonated isotonic drinks after the match in a strange bid for celebration. and they (me exclusive for the matter of dignity) kicked up a frenzy of burps. those little bantam ones that whistle like a mockingbird, followed by a sporadic hics of a rustling gurgle, climaxing to a chainsaw of bellows that really was quite disgusting.
and after that bizzare episode of carousal, we scratched our heads and wondered. how on earth do the girls celebrate?
the voices in my head-
Saturday, November 19, 2005
10:35 PM
Godlike
hail the world cyber games. nerd's the in thing. i'm owning.
the voices in my head-
Saturday, November 12, 2005
4:40 AM
The Four Feathers
i played a little game during my company retreat with 15 little people with very little sleep, and this little game involved a little brutality on little secrets of ourselves. we were literally made to stand up, after a little meeting that stretched a little over 9 hours, lit in the middle of 4 in the morning in the little village a God forsaken changi.
and i realised, how little i knew of myself.
that bit about perfectionism. how i yearn to set every feather upon the duster erect, and every glass bit free of dust. cataylst to excellence, yet void of trusting others. and why. cos i can do the job better than any you guys.
that bit about compulsive obsessive disorder. if there's a coke can in the fridge, it ought to be faced front shouldn't it. if there's a piece of mucus coagulated tissue paper on the floor, it shouldn't stay for 2 seconds or more or that little mucus might flow onto precious carpet. if there's a book on the table, it should be faced upright and straight, set angled to the corner of the desk ain't so? omniknight to organisation might, knowing what is where at what time by whom but essentially a fucking waste of time.
that bit about that desire to win. if there's a race there's a winner. if there's a competition there's a winner. if there's a game there's a winner. if there's a winner there's that me. i can't take losing quite fuctionally. second-in-place sounds nice ain't it, but quite to me in all honesty, its just a leader up in the hierarchy in a long long line of losers. powered to self motivation, empowered to victory, but it hurts quite a bit when the silver hits my chest.
that bit about love. if there's a love to love, you love. with all your heart and mind and soul. with your words and your actions. with your past and present and future. you all-consuming love. love all-consuming you. ain't it the greatest thing in life to love and be loved in return?
but of course. as i grow, these little characteristic traits of mine slowly mature. grow. evolve. these traits, i say, have been the fundamental basis of my endearing success, yet the pillars to my mutated flaws. i must, retain the best in them and slither through time without the worst of it.
which i must say, at least for one, i have ceased to love too deeply.
alas with all due respect to the other three, i'm still vividly quite a walking oxymoron.
the voices in my head-
Sunday, November 06, 2005
11:37 PM
Journeys
there is a beautiful rainbow over the mountain, and i'm trudging my little way up. slowly, but so ever surely, i will get there.
i just hope, when i'm finally at that pretty thing, i wouldn't be foolish enough to walk through it.
the voices in my head-
Friday, November 04, 2005
1:32 AM
What If
i made a new friend! his name is cold feet.
cold feet made me realise today, that what if are two highly complex words cojoined to pose a perplexingly complicated meaning. i had always said.. what if i had taken this path. what if i had chosen this. what if i had studied harder. what if i had gone overseas.
and remember friends, whenever you ask me whether one should unveil one's true feelings to this girl and that girl or otherwise, i always put forth this familiar fundamental value that in fifty years when balls sag and boobs droop, we should look back and have no what ifs for us to sigh and scratch whatever hair we have left and pout and regret, for we should never put ourselves in a position as to ask oneself, "what if i did really ask her. would things have worked out?"
then it hit me. if one were to shed all pretence of his true feelings, in fifty years when balls sag and boobs droop, he would still look back and ask oneself, "what if i hadn't unveiled my true feelings."
and that, left me pretty stupid.
the voices in my head-
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
1:36 AM
Questions and Answers
today, another three asked me whats going on.
perhaps it was an oversight not to have taken whats going on into account, when scratching my head on a 11:06pm three nights back wondering which three words were the most difficult to utter.
but i digress. and i lie, each time one asks me whats going on. today, it was nothing lah. yesterday hovering above the kallang river on a tender deepavali morn, it was okay loh. but in honesty, the problem actually is quite straightforward. it is only an issue of, trying to put the solution in words.
jumbling all the variables of this seemingly complex equation, i have come to terms that i can't change the past, but i'm ruining the present by worrying over the future and isn't it said that if i were to fill my heart with regrets of yesterday and the plagues of tomorrow, i would have no today to be thankful for.
nutshell put, the past and future is wrecking my now. how i yearn for simplicity.
the voices in my head-
i love my girl. a love so beautiful, symmetrical, tangible
God loves me. a love so great, unconditional, real.
my life in a nutshell. working towards loves of sorts. beautiful, symmetrical, tangible, great, unconditional and real.
a page, deliberately left blank.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
I Corinthians 13:4-8
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