we cannot change the cards we are dealt,
just how we play the hand.
Monday, April 19, 2004
3:47 AM
Whom
it may have been just a passing comment, when mingmao told me that i was the only person he ever knew that seemed nonchalent about booking in after a 3 day break. but it struck deep.
and so i gave some thought to it. it wasn't as if my platoon mates were divine angels, nor were my sergeants little holy imps which beckoned to me. rather, there wasn't any much essence in going out when half the world's in tekong before me. and the other half working, studying, lost amidst a hiatus in contact.
and in times like this, i wonder how it feels to have the world die before you, when you manage to evade death times a many, and age till the new century hits you with a stroke of white beard and green nostrils.
and then this vague realisation hit me, i've suffered this alien emotion before. right after my season. days after talentime. weeks after the As. it all boils down to the same thing. its not about what i do, what i see, what i hear.
but whom.
the voices in my head-
Thursday, April 15, 2004
2:46 AM
MARY
and thats what i discovered after 2 weeks in the army. army can be respelled as mary! alas, thats what the army does to each individual, and as much as i adore freedom, i've to embrace the following 3 months beneath my platoon sergeant.
actually, army ain't that bad. we have meals of a moutainheap of rice with drumsticks and vegetables aplenty, and fruits and soup and drinks and 5 minutes to fall in. also, we have BCCT (basic close combat training) which teaches stances to defend oneself from an enemy which SAF conveniently forgets that he might possess a weapon of any sort. aha, and warming up exercises after a 3km run and 3 sets of 20 pushups. oh, and not forgetting cool down exercises before another session of chinups and crunches.
serious, army ain't that bad. its just a little wee stupid.
but i succumb. and i conform. and i do enjoy myself, shouting the most nonsensical malay commands when i was the platoon IC. and alongside my fellow prickheads who salute the sergeants and ignore the lieutenant-colonel, only to result in ever more pushups.
the first few days were horrid though. i work myself into an uneasy sleep at 10pm, thinking about anything and everything, about what i could have done, what i should have done, yet what i couldn't do. missing everyone, missing basketball, even missing missing the shots, i could have done 3 guard duties just to have a touch of the sport to keep me alive. yet each day i march past the basketball courts on the way to the cookhouse and i cannot even turn my head to catch a glimpse of something i had once adored.
my bunkmates are all that sustained me these 2 weeks. little taps and pats amidst a whispers of encouragement. my platoon sergeant is a marvel too, he manages to mask words of support masked beneath a chain of profanities. sigh, yet each morning i awake to 5BX (5 morning exercises) and i stare at the glowing sun atop the Changi Control Tower, and run my fingers down to the weekend i shall book out.
i shall return to tekong on this thursday night, in that ridiculous uniform made of a gelastic material which reduces oneself to a shrunken prune. and in that harebrained cap which exemplifies my lack of hair. and in that back-hugging fieldpack which looks only a tad better than my cousin's power ranger 7 compartment duffer.
oh, did i say in every system lies a loophole?
the voices in my head-
i love my girl. a love so beautiful, symmetrical, tangible
God loves me. a love so great, unconditional, real.
my life in a nutshell. working towards loves of sorts. beautiful, symmetrical, tangible, great, unconditional and real.
a page, deliberately left blank.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
I Corinthians 13:4-8
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