we cannot change the cards we are dealt,
just how we play the hand.
Wednesday, December 31, 2003
1:39 AM
Eve
the last day of 2003, and the last few months of my teenagehood looms over me slowly but steadily. perhaps it could be said to be the end of a beginning. a beginning of a new phase of my life, the pages turned into a chapter of independence and chameleonic.
but upon a shooting star i'd pray, let it not be the beginning of an end. an end to the ephemeral friendships, which would gradually turn into marshes of acquaintance before disappearing into barren slabs of nothingness, eroded by time and distance.
happy new year to all.
the voices in my head-
Sunday, December 28, 2003
8:25 AM
Derival
i attempted the unthinkable last night.
as if one step ain't enough, i embarked on a 15000 step midnight homecoming journey from serangoon on foot.
it was enthralling, the midnight breeze swirls around you like a chilling warmth, and the mind clears like a crystal blue sky. thoughts faded away, and my twisted indulgent mind was reduced into brief moments of nothingness. i just faded into the distant horizon, and before i slumped back into reality at 4am, i felt as if i had plunged down in a soul so deep, so magical.
that night, the stars were bright. so bright.
on a graver note, blogs entertain, yet they serve to kill.
its like looking into a gun nozzle, getting all humoured at the funny rusty barrel within before getting piaked in the head with a speeding lead shot.
my dear, you misunderstand. or perhaps, you understand. too much
the voices in my head-
Friday, December 26, 2003
6:00 AM
In Response
aye you
yes you
should there be trade for all our words
for a tub of bubbles and a little sympathy
we might have earned many clean tinks through a hat upon the street
hearts lament, almost orchestra-like
and i wonder why i had ever begun
to tell, to speak, to feel
you begin
oh no am i hurt what not
yet hurt you could have had
and hurt i would have had
still hurt she still have had
hurt
we all have had.
lonely nights have beckoned
still nights pierced past you
i pity, naught
for pity mingles not with love
yet love i can't
for what sought has been given, another
aye you
yes you
farewell thee not
for goodbyes creep only upon
the failed and the failures
the weak and the wretched
don't trade us for a tub of bubbles and sympathy
don't trade us for a tub of bubbles and sympathy
we can work it out.
the voices in my head-
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
9:44 AM
Mime
i typed one of the longest posts ever, coupled with splendid analogies and colourful vocabulary, but i realised i wouldn't wish to post it. perhaps blogs could be said to be the greatest ironies of the present, it serves to entertain yet it kills. with a forceful shut of an eye, and a flick of my index, i deleted the post which spoke my heart and here lies its scab.
you introduced me into a world of madness, one full of irrational fears and confusion. you ripped every part of humanity from me, the past two nights have been brief moments of poison coursing through my veins. never before had i felt such brutal emotions, yet the mind behind my empty eyes tell me i feel the way i feel only because i feel for you, the way i've never felt for any other before.
this is the girl whose heart beats a constant, and the constant's change.
dear lord i pray, may i learn how to embrace change.
yet on another similar note, i know not anymore the people i used to love. for i think i've given you a piece of myself to you the times we camped at tuas, the times we cycled on one bike, the times of this and that forgotten to the twirls of emotions. alas, where are the plans we had made? the part of me feels so empty and exposed now, almost naked, i need you to fill it up. with transparent waters which smell like the crushed wakerobin petals beneath the weight of true love.
i wish i were a stanger who wanders down the sky
i wish i were a starship in silence flying by
i wish i were a king with armies at his hand
i wish i were a ruler who'd make them understand
forgive me, i digress. i look back and realise i've lost my point. in trying to mask emotion beneath words, in trying to hood pretence over rancor, i went around a bilberry bush only to prick myself in the dick.
what i really wanted to say is: lets fucking stay out of each other's problems and everything will be fine.
on a less fucked note, i love my class. so shallow a friendship it might seem, but unwrap ourselves from the mangled costumes and our feelings run blue and crystal clear. honest as the lucid night with a bond which transcends time and age and distance. the world may be a muted mime but lets not drift, please?
the voices in my head-
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
1:56 AM
Fright
i woke up on the hard floor today, shivering.
and i realised why. all confusion has been somewhat cleared up, or perhaps it hadn't been dealt with as dust is thrown out of the window, but at least it had been swept under a carpet, unseen untouched unfelt. everything is falling into place, i'm coming to terms with what i had been, and what i had been has been coming to terms with me as well. indeed, my life has reached a pinnacle of peaks, yet i was once told that for every culmination follows a plunge. whilst the higher the peak, the deeper the valley. and so i prayed, even if i weren't able to climb out of the chasm, at least allow me to land tenderly.
someone, anyone. send me a parachute for christmas.
the voices in my head-
Friday, December 12, 2003
12:14 PM
Greetings
hello people, its been a long time. no thanks to my computer which hangs each time i click on that internet explorer icon. so here i am, sitting in the living hall of my friend's place, in the dead of the night, hands sprawled across the keyboard.
this is going to be long, so bear with me if you please. the last few days have been a mcflurry of events. of course, how could i forget prom. it ain't so much about being crowned prom king, the memories of being on stage would linger more than the redwhite sash that now hangs limply from my bed. i can still remember huanghui on my right, matthew on my left, the idle conversations we tried to carry on stage to ease the tension are downright hilarious. thanks be to the far east tailor who stitched velvet on both layers of my pants, or the incessant shivering of my legs would have proved to be comic relief that night.
in retrospect, we behaved like idiots under the scrutiny of many. i can only vaguely remember what i responded to one of the most boring questions, and all that had happened seem to be in a haze which hovers about as i await my turn to take the catwalk down the aisle. oh and before i fart in exasperation, let me tell you that i wasn't tearing in half-joy half-relief when the sash hung about me, it was the non-stop flashes of camera that bit into my newly worn contacts like a coursing poison. to those whom i love, and those who love me, a big thank you.
despite being seated with the basketballers, prom would have been royally boring if not for my class. i must admit that the class girls looked splendid indeed, with curls and frills, with glitter and gowns. i was surprised even sipei abandoned pants to arrive in full blossom of ladiness (disclaimer: by ladinss, i mean lady-ness. not lard-i-ness). and certainly, guys weren't in any worse shape, as each of us turned out with hair variant wide enough nippon would be proud of. a thundering applause to the natural gentleman bagging the bachelor award and of course frederik which took our breaths away.
it was a little sad that all of this has to end so fast. with the end of prom marks the start of a new phase of life. i always detest change, yet the only constant in life is change. i wonder where all of us would be in the months to come, and i am sure i ain't the only one wondering. just 2 days back, i had a sec 4 class gathering, which 8 of us turned up. some might say its surprisingly pathetic, but i've come to a consensus with my inner mind that for whatever gathering, it ain't the quantity that matters but the quality of the companionship. i love you, my class, and perhaps in the coming years we might have an annual tea party where we can unite and bitch about chengping's shrills, shirley's sotongness or perhaps even pamela's reign in the track arena.
its been around 2 weeks since the liberation day, but an eternity of days seem to have whisked by me. i daresay i have embarked on 20 sessions of mahjiong, a further 20 games of basketball, perhaps even 20 outings in town and bbqs with a few occasions like church camp, stayovers and prom night dotting my calender here and there. truth is, only 2 weeks have passed, the same time between my GP paper and design prac. and just as i wonder how i am going to last through the impending months of nothingness, someone came by just yesterday and bought me off the shelf.
lately, i've been pretty confused myself. people sad here, upset there, mad here, pissed there. some say its boredom, others say its the weather, some say its the stress, of nothing to do. alas, i had always believed that happiness is derived from someone to love and something to do, and hopefully in the lingering days of this week i might be able to achieve the latter. as well.
thank god for the classifieds.
the voices in my head-
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
8:48 AM
Day Six
its been 6 days since the day of liberation. time has been lapsing in funny manners these days. one moment it would gallop like a prancing spirited horse, next it would crawl to a pace of a drunken snail's, yet i must admit i would have thought a month had already passed if mond hadn't told me it were only tuesday.
and to think the past 6 days would be the happiest 6 days of my life, it merely feels terribly mundane, obscure, the sort of fleetyflatty passing days which involve a bit of this and that. its like there's this huge hole in my life now, nothing to live for, nothing to die for, nothing to hope for, nothing to dream for. what bitter irony, ain't it unfortunate that we just complain at anything and everything?
or maybe i'm just scared. the coming months would unveil a whole new world to me, and i've never been forced to grow up before. yes of course, i have grown and matured through the years, but never forced. yet with the coming holidays loom the musts and shoulds of life.
and i realised one night, that if i could turn back the hours of my JC life, i would talk more. perhaps incessantly. to go on and on, with the dearest classmates i could ever ask for. two years have been too short, the number of outings i had missed with you guys and girls due to this and that would fill the skies with tearing grey clouds that would last for days. how i wish now that i could speak a little more of the beautiful weather, you gorgeous hair, your growing muscles instead of quantum tutorial 3, integration tutorial 5, international trade tutorial 4.
to this i dedicate to the best class i could ever ask for... (in no particular order)
avakar, the strongwilled, the loyal
slacker, the confident lazy bum who loves black pepper chicken
my darling wife, i see i admire, from afar
the piglet, short and squealy and short and squealy
my dark angel, artsy fartsy. truly artsy fartsy
the boy, whom i'd buy a walking stick for
the wits, he who loves the boy
mr lover, who might just get married
grizzy bear, of dilligence and drive
the duck, the muscles, tianwang, shadows which blend to form a rainbow
loo, where silence is golden
the hungry, of effervescent laughter
singer, of high notes and higher screams
penpal, of whom i spoke more chinese than anyone else
the mugger, who mugs
grandslam king. i'll never forget the moment we left you on court with a fractured knee
my sis by default, of shrills and screams. and slaps and pinches
wu bai, where are you
mr major, a salute to the gentleman
the runner, you work for what you believe in. you inspire
the geog student.
mrs sotong, the blur and the simple
the dancer. you dance beautifully
and, the hamster.
three nights ago, i was talking to someone and her words had left me jaded and depressed. i never knew anything so nasty could happen to anyone, nor everything possibly nasty could happen to just one person. if you happen to stumble by, i just want to let you know that i would give two farts and a burp to the next guy or shoe that comes your way and tries to screw things up.
on a lighter note, i've been doing little crazy things over the weekend. for one, my mother gave me the feast of the world when she bought two dinner tickets for my sister's school function on the perception it were for a charitable cause, little knowing it were actually prom tickets. so muahaha i said to myself, and i stormed through chij's prom night with my little sec 1 sister and her friends by my side, acting all so diabetically sweet. oh, and just for the record, i bleached my head 4 and 5 times, so now i look like a yellow pineapple with streaks of white, would someone care to buy me now?
and now as i gaze leftward to the corner that threatens to swallow up my stack of notes, i feel a tinge of deadness. course maybe sometimes feeling dead is better than not feeling anything at all. especially when the emptiness consumes you.
i've still a lot running through my mind, but blisters are sprouting in full bloom at the tip of my head. i had better take care of my tender brain, after all, the doctor diagnosed me with narcolepsy earlier on.
thank god, at least i can make my own world in my sleep.
ok lah. i'm actually tired and want to go to sleep. perhaps i'll come back tomorrow to rant on, or perhaps not.
the voices in my head-
Monday, December 01, 2003
8:30 AM
*hiC*
okiedokiepokiedots. i'll blog tomorrow!!
the voices in my head-
i love my girl. a love so beautiful, symmetrical, tangible
God loves me. a love so great, unconditional, real.
my life in a nutshell. working towards loves of sorts. beautiful, symmetrical, tangible, great, unconditional and real.
a page, deliberately left blank.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
I Corinthians 13:4-8
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